少年维特的烦恼-第8章

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I　am！

　　JULY　lO。　You　should　see　how　foolish　I　look　in　pany　when　her　name
is　mentioned，　particularly　when　I　am　asked　plainly　how　I　like　her。　How
I　like　her！　I　detest　the　phrase。　What　sort　of　creature　must　he　be　who
merely　liked　Charlotte，　whose　whole　heart　and　senses　were　not　entirely
absorbed　by　her。　Like　her　！　Some　one　asked　me　lately　how　I　liked　Ossian。

　　JULY　11。　Madame　M　——　is　very　ill。　I　pray　for　her　recovery　，　because
Charlotte　shares　my　sufferings。　I　see　her　occasionally　at　my　friend's
house　，　and　to…day　she　has　told　me　the　strangest　circumstance。　Old　M
——　is　a　covetous，　miserly　fellow　，　who　has　long　worried　and　annoyed
the　poor　lady　sadly　；　but　she　has　borne　her　afflictions　patiently。　A
few　days　ago，　when　the　physician　informed　us　that　her　recovery　was　hopeless，
she　sent　for　her　husband（Charlotte　was　present　），　and　addressed　him
thus：　〃I　have　something　to　confess　，　which，　after　my　decease　，　may
occasion　trouble　and　confusion。　I　have　hitherto　conducted　your　household
as　frugally　and　economically　as　possible，　but　you　must　pardon　me　for
having　defrauded　you　for　thirty　years。　At　the　mencement　of　our　married
life，　you　allowed　a　small　sum　for　the　wants　of　the　kitchen　，　and　the
other　household　expenses。　When　our　establishment　increased　and　our　property
grew　larger　，　I　could　not　persuade　you　to　increase　the　weekly　allowance
in　proportion　：　in　short　，　you　know　，　that　，　when　our　wants　were　greatest，
you　required　me　to　supply　everything　with　seven　florins　a　week。　I　took
the　money　from　you　without　an　observation　，　but　made　up　the　weekly　deficiency
from　the　money…chest；　as　nobody　would　suspect　your　wife　of　robbing　the
household　bank。　But　I　have　wasted　nothing　，　and　should　have　been　content
to　meet　my　eternal　Judge　without　this　confession，　if　she　，　upon　whom
the　management　of　your　establishment　will　devolve　after　my　decease，　would
be　free　from　embarrassment　upon　your　insisting　that　the　allowance　made
to　me　，　your　former　wife　，　was　sufficient。〃

　　I　talked　with　Charlotte　of　the　inconceivable　manner　in　which　men　allow
themselves　to　be　blinded；　how　any　one　could　avoid　suspecting　some　deception，
when　seven　florins　only　were　allowed　to　defray　expenses　twice　as　great。
But　I　have　myself　known　people　who　believed　，　without　any　visible　astonishment，
that　their　house　possessed　the　prophet's　never…failing　cruse　of　oil。

　　JULY　13。　No　，　I　am　not　deceived。　In　her　dark　eyes　I　read　a　genuine
interest　in　me　and　in　my　fortunes。　Yes，　I　feel　it；　and　I　may　believe
my　own　heart　which　tells　me　——　dare　I　say　it？——　dare　I　pronounce
the　divine　words？——　that　she　loves　me！

　　That　she　loves　me　！　How　the　idea　exalts　me　in　my　own　eyes！　And，
as　you　can　understand　my　feelings　，　I　may　say　to　you　，　how　I　honour
myself　since　she　loves　me　！

　　Is　this　presumption　，　or　is　it　a　consciousness　of　the　truth？　I　do
not　know　a　man　able　to　supplant　me　in　the　heart　of　Charlotte；　and　yet
when　she　speaks　of　her　betrothed　with　so　much　warmth　and　affection，　I
feel　like　the　soldier　who　has　been　stripped　of　his　honours　and　titles　，
and　deprived　of　his　sword。

　　JULY　16。　How　my　heart　beats　when　by　accident　I　touch　her　finger　，
or　my　feet　meet　hers　under　the　table！　I　draw　back　as　if　from　a　furnace
；　but　a　secret　force　impels　me　forward　again　，　and　my　senses　bee
disordered。　Her　innocent，　unconscious　heart　never　knows　what　agony　these
little　familiarities　inflict　upon　me。　Sometimes　when　we　are　talking　she
Iays　her　hand　upon　mine　，　and　in　the　eagerness　of　conversation　es
closer　to　me，　and　her　balmy　breath　reaches　my　lips　，——　when　I　feel
as　if　lightning　had　struck　me　，　and　that　I　could　sink　into　the　earth。
And　yet　，　Wilhelm，　with　all　this　heavenly　confidence，——　if　I　know
myself，　and　should　ever　dare　——　you　understand　me。　No，　no　！　my　heart
is　not　so　corrupt　，　it　is　weak　，　weak　enough　but　is　not　that　a　degree
of　corruption　？

　　She　is　to　me　a　sacred　being。　All　passion　is　still　in　her　presence
：　I　cannot　express　my　sensations　when　I　am　near　her。　I　feel　as　if　my
soul　beat　in　every　nerve　of　my　body。　There　is　a　melody　which　she　plays
on　the　piano　with　angelic　skill　，——　so　simple　is　it，　and　yet　so　spiritual！
It　is　her　favourite　air　；　and，　when　she　plays　the　first　note，　all　pain，
care，　and　sorrow　disappear　from　me　in　a　moment。

　　I　believe　every　word　that　is　said　of　the　magic　of　ancient　music。　How
her　simple　song　enchants　me　！　Sometimes，　when　I　am　ready　to　mit　suicide，
she　sings　that　air；　and　instantly　the　gloom　and　madness　which　hung　over
me　are　dispersed，　and　I　breathe　freely　again。

　　JULY　18。　Wilhelm，　what　is　the　world　to　our　hearts　without　love　？
What　is　a　magic…lantern　without　light　？　You　have　but　to　kindle　the　flame
within，　and　the　brightest　figures　shine　on　the　white　wall；　and，　if
love　only　show　us　fleeting　shadows，　we　are　yet　happy　，　when　，　like
mere　children　，　we　behold　them　，　and　are　transported　with　the　splendid
phantoms。　I　have　not　been　able　to　see　Charlotte　to…day。　I　was　prevented
by　pany　from　which　I　could　not　disengage　myself。　What　was　to　be　done？
I　sent　my　servant　to　her　house，　that　I　might　at　least　see　somebody　to…day
who　had　been　near　her。　Oh　，　the　impatience　with　which　I　waited　for　his
return！　the　joy　with　which　I　weled　him！　I　should　certainly　have　caught
him　in　my　arms，　and　kissed　him　，　if　I　had　not　been　ashamed。

　　It　is　said　that　the　Bonona　stone，　when　placed　in　the　sun　，　attracts
the　rays，　and　for　a　time　appears　luminous　in　the　dark。　So　was　it　with
me　and　this　servant。　The　idea　that　Charlotte's　eyes　had　dwelt　on　his　countenance，
his　cheek　，　his　very　apparel　，　endeared　them　all　inestimably　to　me，
so　that　at　the　moment　I　would　not　have　parted　from　him　for　a　thousand
crowns。　His　presence　made　me　so　happy　！　Beware　of　laughing　at　me　，　Wilhelm。
Can　that　be　a　delusion　which　makes　us　happy　？

　　JULY　19。　〃I　shall　see　her　today　！〃　I　exclaim　with　delight，　when
I　rise　in　the　morning　，　and　look　out　with　gladness　of　heart　at　the　bright，
beautiful　sun。　〃I　shall　see　her　today　！〃　And　then　I　have　no　further　wish
to　form　：　all，　all　is　included　in　that　one　thought。

　　JULY　2O。　I　cannot　assent　to　your　proposal　that　I　should　acpany
the　ambassador　to　_______。　I　do　not　love　subordination；　and　we　all　know
that　he　is　a　rough，　disagreeable　person　to　be　connected　with。　You　say
my　mother　wishes　me　to　be　employed。　I　could　not　help　laughing　at　that。
Am　I　not　sufficiently　employed？　And　is　it　not　in　reality　the　same，　whether
I　shell　peas　or　count　lentils　？　The　world　runs　on　from　one　folly　to　another
；　and　the　man　who，　solely　from　regard　to　the　opinion　of　others，　and
without　any　wish　or　necessity　of　his　own，　toils　after　gold　，　honour　，
or　any　other　phantom，　is　no　better　than　a　fool。

　　JULY　24。　You　insist　so　much　on　my　not　neglecting　my　drawing　，　that
it　would　be　as　well　for　me　to　say　nothing　as　to　confess　how　little　I　have
lately　done。

　　I　never　felt　happier，　I　never　understood　nature　better　，　even　down
to　the　veriest　stem　or　smallest　blade　of　grass；　and　yet　I　am　unable　to
express　myself：　my　powers　of　execution　are　so　weak　，　everything　seems
to　swim　and　float　before　me　，　so　that　I　cannot　make　a　clear，　bold　outline。
But　I　fancy　I　should　succeed　better　if　I　had　some　clay　or　wax　to　model。
I　shall　try　，　if　this　state　of　mind　continues　much　longer，　and　will
take　to　modelling　，　if　I　only　knead　dough。

　　I　have　menced　Charlotte's　portrait　three　times　，　and　have　as　often
disgraced　myself。　This　is　the　more　annoying　，　as　I　was　formerly　very
happy　in　taking　likenesses。　I　have　since　sketched　her　profile　，　and　must
content　myself　with　that。

　　JULY　25。　Yes，　dear　Charlotte　！　I　will　order　and　arrange　everything。
Only　give　me　more　missions　，　the　more　the　better。　One　thing　，　however，
I　must　request：　use　no　more　writing…sand　with　the　dear　notes　you　send
me。　Today　I　raised　your　letter　hastily　to　my　lips　，　and　it　set　my　teeth
on　edge。

　　JULY　26。　I　have　often　determined　not　to　see　her　so　frequently。　But
who　could　keep　such　a　resolution？　Every　day　I　am　exposed　to　the　temptation，
and　promise　faithfully　that　to…morrow　I　will　really　stay　away　：　but，
when　tomorrow　es　，　I　find　some　irresistible　reason　for　seeing　her
；　and，　before　I　can　account　for　it，　I　am　with　her　again。　Either　she
has　said　on　the　previous　evening　〃You　will　be　sure　to　call　to…morrow，
〃　——　and　who　could　stay　away　then　？——or　she　gives　me　some　mission，
and　I　find　it　essential　to　take　her　the　answer　in　person；　or　the　day
is　fine　，　and　I　walk　to　Walheim；　and，　when　I　am　there，　it　is　only
half　a　league　farther　to　her。　I　am　within　the　charmed　atmosphere，　and
soon　find　myself　at　her　side。　My　grandmother　used　to　tell　us　a　story　of
a　mountain　of　loadstone。　When　any　vessels　came　near　it，　they　were　instantly
deprived　of　their　ironwork：　the　nails　flew　to　the　mountain　，　and　the
unhappy　crew　perished　amidst　the　disjointed　planks。

　　JULY　30。　Albert　is　arrived，　and　I　must　take　my　departure。　Were　he
the　best　and　noblest　of　men　，　and　I　in　every　respect　his　inferior，　I
could　not　endure　to　see　him　in　posses