少年维特的烦恼-第18章

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branches　obstructed　the　light　；　boys　threw　stones　at　the　nuts　when　they
were　ripe　，　and　the　noise　affected　her　nerves；　and　disturbed　her　profound
meditations　，　when　she　was　weighing　the　diffculties　of　Kennicot，　Semler，
and　Michaelis。　Finding　that　all　the　parish，　particularly　the　old　people，
were　displeased　，　I　asked　〃why　they　allowed　it　？〃　〃Ah　，　sir！〃　they
replied　，　〃when　the　steward　orders　，　what　can　we　poor　peasants　do　？
〃　But　one　thing　has　happened　well。　The　steward　and　the　vicar（who　，　for
once，　thought　to　reap　some　advantage　from　the　caprices　of　his　wife　）
intended　to　divide　the　trees　between　them。　The　revenue…office　，　being
informed　of　it，　revived　an　old　claim　to　the　ground　where　the　trees　had
stood　，　and　sold　them　to　the　best　bidder。　There　they　still　lie　on　the
ground。　If　I　were　the　sovereign　，　I　should　know　how　to　deal　with　them
all　，　vicar，　steward，　and　revenue…office。　Sovereign，　did　I　say？　I
should，　in　that　case　，　care　little　about　the　trees　that　grew　in　the
country。

　　OCTOBER　10。　Only　to　gaze　upon　her　dark　eyes　is　to　me　a　source　of　happiness！
And　what　grieves　me　，　is　，　that　Albert　does　not　seem　so　happy　as　he
——　hoped　to　be——　as　I　should　have　been——　if　——　I　am　no　friend
to　these　pauses　，　but　here　I　cannot　express　it　otherwise　；　and　probably
I　am　explicit　enough。

　　OCTOBER　12。　Ossian　has　superseded　Homer　in　my　heart。　To　what　a　world
does　the　illustrious　bard　carry　me！　To　wander　over　pathless　wilds，　surrounded
by　impetuous　whirlwinds　，　where，　by　the　feeble　light　of　the　moon，　we
see　the　spirits　of　our　ancestors；　to　hear　from　the　mountain…tops　，　mid
the　roar　of　torrents，　their　plaintive　sounds　issuing　from　deep　caverns，
and　the　sorrowful　lamentations　of　a　maiden　who　sighs　and　expires　on　the
mossy　tomb　of　the　warrior　by　whom　she　was　adored。　I　meet　this　bard　with
silver　hair　；　he　wanders　in　the　valley　；　he　seeks　the　footsteps　of　his
fathers　，　and，　alas　！　he　finds　only　their　tombs。　Then，　contemplating
the　pale　moon　，　as　she　sinks　beneath　the　waves　of　the　rolling　sea，　the
memory　of　bygone　days　strikes　the　mind　of　the　hero，　days　when　approaching
danger　invigorated　the　brave，　and　the　moon　shone　upon　his　bark　laden
with　spoils　，　and　returning　in　triumph。　When　I　read　in　his　countenance
deep　sorrow　，　when　I　see　his　dying　glory　sink　exhausted　into　the　grave，
as　he　inhales　new　and　heart…thrilling　delight　from　his　approaching　union
with　his　beloved，　and　he　casts　a　look　on　the　cold　earth　and　the　tall
grass　which　is　so　soon　to　cover　him　，　and　then　exclaims，　〃The　traveller
will　e　，——　he　will　e　who　has　seen　my　beauty，　and　he　will　ask，
'Where　is　the　bard，　where　is　the　illustrious　son　of　Fingal　？'　He　will
walk　over　my　tomb　，　and　will　seek　me　in　vain　！〃　Then，　O　my　friend，
I　could　instantly　，　like　a　true　and　noble　knight　，　draw　my　sword，　and
deliver　my　prince　from　the　long　and　painful　languor　of　a　living　death　，
and　dismiss　my　own　soul　to　follow　the　demigod　whom　my　hand　had　set　free！

　　OCTOBER　19。　Alas！　the　void　the　fearful　void，　which　I　feel　in　my
bosom　！　Sometimes　I　think，　if　I　could　only　once　but　once，　press　her
to　my　heart　，　this　dreadful　void　would　be　filled。

　　OCTOBER　26。　Yes　，　I　feel　certain　，　Wilhelm，　and　every　day　I　bee
more　certain，　that　the　existence　of　any　being　whatever　is　of　very　little
consequence。　A　friend　of　Charlotte's　called　to　see　her　just　now。　I　withdrew
into　a　neighbouring　apartment　，　and　took　up　a　book　；　but，　finding　I
could　not　read，　I　sat　down　to　write。　I　heard　them　converse　in　an　undertone
：　they　spoke　upon　indifferent　topics　，　and　retailed　the　news　of　the
town。　One　was　going　to　be　married　；　another　was　ill，　very　ill　，　she
had　a　dry　cough　，　her　face　was　growing　thinner　daily　，　and　she　had　occasional
fits。　〃N——　is　very　unwell　too　，〃　said　Charlotte。　〃His　limbs　begin　to
swell　already　，〃　answered　the　other；　and　my　lively　imagination　carried
me　at　once　to　the　beds　of　the　infirm。　There　I　see　them　struggling　against
death　，　with　all　the　agonies　of　pain　and　horror；　and　these　women，　Wilhelm，
talk　of　all　this　with　as　much　indifference　as　one　would　mention　the　death
of　a　stranger。　And　when　I　look　around　the　apartment　where　I　now　am——
when　I　see　Charlotte's　apparel　lying　before　me，　and　Albert's　writings，
and　all　those　articles　of　furniture　which　are　so　familiar　to　me　，　even
to　the　very　inkstand　which　I　am　using　，——　when　I　think　what　I　am　to
this　family　——　everything。　My　friends　esteem　me　；　I　often　contribute
to　their　happiness，　and　my　heart　seems　as　if　it　could　not　beat　without
them；　and　yet——　if　I　were　to　die　，　if　I　were　to　be　summoned　from　the
midst　of　this　circle，　would　they　feel——　or　how　long　would　they　feel
the　void　which　my　loss　would　make　in　their　existence？　How　long　！　Yes，
such　is　the　frailty　of　man，　that　even　there，　where　he　has　the　greatest
consciousness　of　his　own　being，　where　he　makes　the　strongest　and　most
forcible　impression　，　even　in　the　memory　，　in　the　heart　，　of　his　beloved，
there　also　he　must　perish　，——　vanish　，——　and　that　quickly。

　　OCTOBER　27。　I　could　tear　open　my　bosom　with　vexation　to　think　how
little　we　are　capable　of　influencing　the　feelings　of　each　other。　No　one
can　municate　to　me　those　sensations　of　love，　joy，　rapture，　and　delight
which　I　do　not　naturally　possess；　and，　though　my　heart　may　glow　with
the　most　lively　affection　，　I　cannot　make　the　happiness　of　one　in　whom
the　same　warmth　is　not　inherent。

　　OCTOBER　27：　Evening。　I　possess　so　much　，　but　my　love　for　her　absorbs
it　all。　I　possess　so　much　，　but　without　her　I　have　nothing。

　　OCTOBER　30。　One　hundred　times　have　I　been　on　the　point　of　embracing
her。　Heavens！　what　a　torment　it　is　to　see　so　much　loveliness　passing
and　repassing　before　us　，　and　yet　not　dare　to　lay　hold　of　it　！　And　laying
hold　is　the　most　natural　of　human　instincts。　Do　not　children　touch　everything
they　see？　And　I！

　　NOVEMBER　3。　Witness　，　Heaven　，　how　often　I　lie　down　in　my　bed　with
a　wish，　and　even　a　hope，　that　I　may　never　awaken　again。　And　in　the　morning，
when　I　open　my　eyes　，　I　behold　the　sun　once　more　，　and　am　wretched。
If　I　were　whimsical　，　I　might　blame　the　weather，　or　an　acquaintance　，
or　some　personal　disappointment　，　for　my　discontented　mind　；　and　then
this　insupportable　load　of　trouble　would　not　rest　entirely　upon　myself。
But　，　alas　！　I　feel　it　too　sadly。　I　am　alone　the　cause　of　my　own　woe，
am　I　not？　Truly，　my　own　bosom　contains　the　source　of　all　my　sorrow，
as　it　previously　contained　the　source　of　all　my　pleasure。　Am　I　not　the
same　being　who　once　enjoyed　an　excess　of　happiness，　who，　at　every　step，
saw　paradise　open　before　him，　and　whose　heart　was　ever　expanded　toward
the　whole　world　？　And　this　heart　is　now　dead　，　no　sentiment　can　revive
it；　my　eyes　are　dry；　and　my　senses，　no　more　refreshed　by　the　influence
of　soft　tears　，　wither　and　consume　my　brain。　I　suffer　much　，　for　I　have
lost　the　only　charm　of　life　：　that　active，　sacred　power　which　created
worlds　around　me，——　it　is　no　more。　When　I　look　from　my　window　at　the
distant　hills　，　and　behold　the　morning　sun　breaking　through　the　mists，
and　illuminating　the　country　around　，　which　is　still　wrapped　in　silence，
whilst　the　soft　stream　winds　gently　through　the　willows　，　which　have
shed　their　leaves　；　when　glorious　nature　displays　all　her　beauties　before
me，　and　her　wondrous　prospects　are　ineffectual　to　extract　one　tear　of
joy　from　my　withered　heart，　I　feel　that　in　such　a　moment　I　stand　like
a　reprobate　before　heaven　，　hardened　，　insensible　，　and　unmoved。　Oftentimes
do　I　then　bend　my　knee　to　the　earth　，　and　implore　God　for　the　blessing
of　tears，　as　the　desponding　labourer　in　some　scorching　climate　prays
for　the　dews　of　heaven　to　moisten　his　parched　corn。　But　I　feel　that　God
does　not　grant　sunshine　or　rain　to　our　importunate　entreaties。　And　oh　，
those　bygone　days　，　whose　memory　now　torments　me　！　why　were　they　so
fortunate　？　Because　I　then　waited　with　patience　for　the　blessings　of
the　Eternal　，　and　received　his　gifts　with　the　grateful　feelings　of　a
thankful　heart。

　　NOVEMBER　8。　Charlotte　has　reproved　me　for　my　excesses　，　with　so　much
tenderness　and　goodness　！　I　have　lately　been　in　the　habit　of　drinking
more　wine　than　heretofore。　〃Don't　do　it　，〃　she　said。　〃Think　of　Charlotte！
〃　〃Think　of　you　！〃　I　answered；　〃need　you　bid　me　do　so　？　Think　of　you
——　I　do　not　think　of　you：　you　are　ever　before　my　soul！　This　very　morning
I　sat　on　the　spot　where　，　a　few　days　ago　，　you　descended　from　the　carriage，
and　——〃　She　immediately　changed　the　subject　to　prevent　me　from　pursuing
it　farther。　My　dear　friend，　my　energies　are　all　prostrated　：　she　can
do　with　me　what　she　pleases。

　　NOVEMBER　15。　I　thank　you，　Wilhelm，　for　your　cordial　sympathy，　for
your　excellent　advice　；　and　I　implore　you　to　be　quiet。　Leave　me　to　my
sufferings。　In　spite　of　my　wretchedness　，　I　have　still　strength　enough
for　endurance。　I　revere　religion——　you　know　I　do。　I　feel　that　it　can
impart　strength　to　the　feeble　and　fort　to　the　afflicted，　but　does
it　affect　all　men　equally　？　Consider　this　vast　univer