The Rainbow-虹(英文版)-第76章

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！


material　prosperity　of　everybody　else！　What　he　considered　an
unimportant　thing　for　himself　he　could　not　think　worthy　of　every
sacrifice　on　behalf　of　other　people。　And　that　which　he　would
consider　of　the　deepest　importance　to　himself　as　an
individual……oh；　he　said；　you　mustn't　consider　the　munity
from　that　standpoint。　No……no……we　know　what　the
munity　wants；　it　wants　something　solid；　it　wants　good　wages；
equal　opportunities；　good　conditions　of　living；　that's　what　the
munity　wants。　It　doesn't　want　anything　subtle　or　difficult。
Duty　is　very　plain…keep　in　mind　the　material；　the　immediate
welfare　of　every　man；　that's　all。

So　there　came　over　Skrebensky　a　sort　of　nullity；　which　more
and　more　terrified　Ursula。　She　felt　there　was　something　hopeless
which　she　had　to　submit　to。　She　felt　a　great　sense　of　disaster
impending。　Day　after　day　was　made　inert　with　a　sense　of
disaster。　She　became　morbidly　sensitive；　depressed；
apprehensive。　It　was　anguish　to　her　when　she　saw　one　rook　slowly
flapping　in　the　sky。　That　was　a　sign　of　ill…omen。　And　the
foreboding　became　so　black　and　so　powerful　in　her；　that　she　was
almost　extinguished。

Yet　what　was　the　matter？　At　the　worst　he　was　only　going　away。
Why　did　she　mind；　what　was　it　she　feared？　She　did　not　know。　Only
she　had　a　black　dread　possessing　her。　When　she　went　at　night　and
saw　the　big；　flashing　stars　they　seemed　terrible；　by　day　she　was
always　expecting　some　charge　to　be　made　against　her。

He　wrote　in　March　to　say　that　he　was　going　to　South　Africa　in
a　short　time；　but　before　he　went；　he　would　snatch　a　day　at　the
Marsh。

As　if　in　a　painful　dream；　she　waited　suspended；　unresolved。
She　did　not　know；　she　could　not　understand。　Only　she　felt　that
all　the　threads　of　her　fate　were　being　held　taut；　in　suspense。
She　only　wept　sometimes　as　she　went　about；　saying　blindly：

〃I　am　so　fond　of　him；　I　am　so　fond　of　him。〃

He　came。　But　why　did　he　e？　She　looked　at　him　for　a　sign。
He　gave　no　sign。　He　did　not　even　kiss　her。　He　behaved　as　if　he
were　an　affable；　usual　acquaintance。　This　was　superficial；　but
what　did　it　hide？　She　waited　for　him；　she　wanted　him　to　make
some　sign。

So　the　whole　of　the　day　they　wavered　and　avoided　contact；
until　evening。　Then；　laughing；　saying　he　would　be　back　in　six
months'　time　and　would　tell　them　all　about　it；　he　shook　hands
with　her　mother　and　took　his　leave。

Ursula　acpanied　him　into　the　lane。　The　night　was　windy；
the　yew　trees　seethed　and　hissed　and　vibrated。　The　wind　seemed
to　rush　about　among　the　chimneys　and　the　church…tower。　It　was
dark。

The　wind　blew　Ursula's　face；　and　her　clothes　cleaved　to　her
limbs。　But　it　was　a　surging；　turgid　wind；　instinct　with
pressed　vigour　of　life。　And　she　seemed　to　have　lost
Skrebensky。　Out　there　in　the　strong；　urgent　night　she　could　not
find　him。

〃Where　are　you？〃　she　asked。

〃Here；〃　came　his　bodiless　voice。

And　groping；　she　touched　him。　A　fire　like　lightning　drenched
them。

〃Anton？〃　she　said。

〃What？〃　he　answered。

She　held　him　with　her　hands　in　the　darkness；　she　felt　his
body　again　with　hers。

〃Don't　leave　me……e　back　to　me；〃　she　said。

〃Yes；〃　he　said；　holding　her　in　his　arms。

But　the　male　in　him　was　scotched　by　the　knowledge　that　she
was　not　under　his　spell　nor　his　influence。　He　wanted　to　go　away
from　her。　He　rested　in　the　knowledge　that　to…morrow　he　was　going
away；　his　life　was　really　elsewhere。　His　life　was
elsewhere……his　life　was　elsewhere……the　centre　of　his
life　was　not　what　she　would　have。　She　was　different……there
was　a　breach　between　them。　They　were　hostile　worlds。

〃You　will　e　back　to　me？〃　she　reiterated。

〃Yes；〃　he　said。　And　he　meant　it。　But　as　one　keeps　an
appointment；　not　as　a　man　returning　to　his　fulfilment。

So　she　kissed　him；　and　went　indoors；　lost。　He　walked　down　to
the　Marsh　abstracted。　The　contact　with　her　hurt　him；　and
threatened　him。　He　shrank；　he　had　to　be　free　of　her　spirit。　For
she　would　stand　before　him；　like　the　angel　before　Balaam；　and
drive　him　back　with　a　sword　from　the　way　he　was　going；　into　a
wilderness。

The　next　day　she　went　to　the　station　to　see　him　go。　She
looked　at　him；　she　turned　to　him；　but　he　was　always　so　strange
and　null……so　null。　He　was　so　collected。　She　thought　it　was
that　which　made　him　null。　Strangely　nothing　he　was。

Ursula　stood　near　him　with　a　mute；　pale　face　which　he　would
rather　not　see。　There　seemed　some　shame　at　the　very　root　of
life；　cold；　dead　shame　for　her。

The　three　made　a　noticeable　group　on　the　station；　the　girl　in
her　fur　cap　and　tippet　and　her　olive　green　costume；　pale；　tense
with　youth；　isolated；　unyielding；　the　soldierly　young　man　in　a
crush　hat　and　a　heavy　overcoat；　his　face　rather　pale　and
reserved　above　his　purple　scarf；　his　whole　figure　neutral；　then
the　elder　man；　a　fashionable　bowler　hat　pressed　low　over　his
dark　brows；　his　face　warm…coloured　and　calm；　his　whole　figure
curiously　suggestive　of　full…blooded　indifference；　he　was　the
eternal　audience；　the　chorus；　the　spectator　at　the　drama；　in　his
own　life　he　would　have　no　drama。

The　train　was　rushing　up。　Ursula's　heart　heaved；　but　the　ice
was　frozen　too　strong　upon　it。

〃Good…bye；〃　she　said；　lifting　her　hand；　her　face　laughing
with　her　peculiar；　blind；　almost　dazzling　laugh。　She　wondered
what　he　was　doing；　when　he　stooped　and　kissed　her。　He　should　be
shaking　hands　and　going。

〃Good…bye；〃　she　said　again。

He　picked　up　his　little　bag　and　turned　his　back　on　her。　There
was　a　hurry　along　the　train。　Ah；　here　was　his　carriage。　He　took
his　seat。　Tom　Brangwen　shut　the　door；　and　the　two　men　shook
hands　as　the　whistle　went。

〃Good…bye……and　good　luck；〃　said　Brangwen。

〃Thank　you……good…bye。〃

The　train　moved　off。　Skrebensky　stood　at　the　carriage　window；
waving；　but　not　really　looking　to　the　two　figures；　the　girl　and
the　warm…coloured；　almost　effeminately…dressed　man　Ursula　waved
her　handkerchief。　The　train　gathered　speed；　it　grew　smaller　and
smaller。　Still　it　ran　in　a　straight　line。　The　speck　of　white
vanished。　The　rear　of　the　train　was　small　in　the　distance。　Still
she　stood　on　the　platform；　feeling　a　great　emptiness　about　her。
In　spite　of　herself　her　mouth　was　quivering：　she　did　not　want　to
cry：　her　heart　was　dead　cold。

Her　Uncle　Tom　had　gone　to　an　automatic　machine；　and　was
getting　matches。

〃Would　you　like　some　sweets？〃　he　said；　turning　round。

Her　face　was　covered　with　tears；　she　made　curious；　downward
grimaces　with　her　mouth；　to　get　control。　Yet　her　heart　was　not
crying……it　was　cold　and　earthy。

〃What　kind　would　you　like……any？〃　persisted　her
uncle。

〃I　should　love　some　peppermint　drops；〃　she　said；　in　a
strange；　normal　voice；　from　her　distorted　face。　But　in　a　few
moments　she　had　gained　control　of　herself；　and　was　still；
detached。

〃Let　us　go　into　the　town；〃　he　said；　and　he　rushed　her　into　a
train；　moving　to　the　town　station。　They　went　to　a　cafe　to　drink
coffee；　she　sat　looking　at　people　in　the　street；　and　a　great
wound　was　in　her　breast；　a　cold　imperturbability　in　her
soul。

This　cold　imperturbability　of　spirit　continued　in　her　now。　It
was　as　if　some　disillusion　had　frozen　upon　her；　a　hard
disbelief。　Part　of　her　had　gone　cold；　apathetic。　She　was　too
young；　too　baffled　to　understand；　or　even　to　know　that　she
suffered　much。　And　she　was　too　deeply　hurt　to　submit。

She　had　her　blind　agonies；　when　she　wanted　him；　she　wanted
him。　But　from　the　moment　of　his　departure；　he　had　bee　a
visionary　thing　of　her　own。　All　her　roused　torment　and　passion
and　yearning　she　turned　to　him。

She　kept　a　diary；　in　which　she　wrote　impulsive　thoughts。
Seeing　the　moon　in　the　sky；　her　own　heart　surcharged；　she　went
and　wrote：

〃If　I　were　the　moon；　I　know　where　I　would　fall　down。〃

It　meant　so　much　to　her；　that　sentence……she　put　into　it
all　the　anguish　of　her　youth　and　her　young　passion　and　yearning。
She　called　to　him　from　her　heart　wherever　she　went；　her　limbs
vibrated　with　anguish　towards　him　wherever　she　was；　the
radiating　force　of　her　soul　seemed　to　travel　to　him；　endlessly；
endlessly；　and　in　her　soul's　own　creation；　find　him。

But　who　was　he；　and　where　did　he　exist？　In　her　own　desire
only。

She　received　a　post…card　from　him；　and　she　put　it　in　her
bosom。　It　did　not　mean　much　to　her；　really。　The　second　day；　she
lost　it；　and　never　even　remembered　she　had　had　it；　till　some
days　afterwards。

The　long　weeks　went　by。　There　came　the　constant　bad　news　of
the　war。　And　she　felt　as　if　all；　outside　there　in　the　world；
were　a　hurt；　a　hurt　against　her。　And　something　in　her　soul
remained　cold；　apathetic；　unchanging。

Her　life　was　always　only　partial　at　this　time；　never　did　she
live　pletely。　There　was　the　cold；　unliving　part　of　her。　Yet
she　was　madly　sensitive。　She　could　not　bear　herself。　When　a
dirty；　red…eyed　old　woman　came　begging　of　her　in　the　street；　she
started　away　as　from　an　unclean　thing。　And　then；　when　the　old
woman　shouted　acrid　insults　after　her；　she　winced；　her　limbs
palpitated　with　insane　torment；　she　could　not　bear　herself。
Whenever　she　thought　of　the　red…eyed　old　woman；　a　sort　of
madness　ran　in　inflammation　over　her　flesh　and　her　brain；　she
almost　wanted　to　kill　herself。

And　in　this　state；　her　sexual　life　flamed　into　a　kind　of
disease　within　her。　She　was　so　overwrough