The Rainbow-虹(英文版)-第48章

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have　the　spiritual　superiority　and　control；　or　even　her　respect
for　his　conscious　or　public　life。　He　lived　simply　by　her
physical　love　for　him。　And　he　served　the　little　matriarchy；
nursing　the　child　and　helping　with　the　housework；　indifferent
any　more　of　his　own　dignity　and　importance。　But　his　abandoning
of　claims；　his　living　isolated　upon　his　own　interest；　made　him
seem　unreal；　unimportant。

Anna　was　not　publicly　proud　of　him。　But　very　soon　she　learned
to　be　indifferent　to　public　life。　He　was　not　what　is　called　a
manly　man：　he　did　not　drink　or　smoke　or　arrogate　importance。　But
he　was　her　man；　and　his　very　indifference　to　all　claims　of
manliness　set　her　supreme　in　her　own　world　with　him。　Physically；
she　loved　him　and　he　satisfied　her。　He　went　alone　and　subsidiary
always。　At　first　it　had　irritated　her；　the　outer　world　existed
so　little　to　him。　Looking　at　him　with　outside　eyes；　she　was
inclined　to　sneer　at　him。　But　her　sneer　changed　to　a　sort　of
respect。　She　respected　him；　that　he　could　serve　her　so　simply
and　pletely。　Above　all；　she　loved　to　bear　his　children。　She
loved　to　be　the　source　of　children。

She　could　not　understand　him；　his　strange；　dark　rages　and　his
devotion　to　the　church。　It　was　the　church　building　he　cared　for；
and　yet　his　soul　was　passionate　for　something。　He　laboured
cleaning　the　stonework；　repairing　the　woodwork；　restoring　the
organ；　and　making　the　singing　as　perfect　as　possible。　To　keep
the　church　fabric　and　the　church…ritual　intact　was　his　business；
to　have　the　intimate　sacred　building　utterly　in　his　own　hands；
and　to　make　the　form　of　service　plete。　There　was　a　little
bright　anguish　and　tension　on　his　face；　and　in　his　intent
movements。　He　was　like　a　lover　who　knows　he　is　betrayed；　but　who
still　loves；　whose　love　is　only　the　more　intense。　The　church　was
false；　but　he　served　it　the　more　attentively。

During　the　day；　at　his　work　in　the　office；　he　kept　himself
suspended。　He　did　not　exist。　He　worked　automatically　till　it　was
time　to　go　home。

He　loved　with　a　hot　heart　the　dark…haired　little　Ursula；　and
he　waited　for　the　child　to　e　to　consciousness。　Now　the　mother
monopolized　the　baby。　But　his　heart　waited　in　its　darkness。　His
hour　would　e。

In　the　long　run；　he　learned　to　submit　to　Anna。　She　forced　him
to　the　spirit　of　her　laws；　whilst　leaving　him　the　letter　of　his
own。　She　bated　in　him　his　devils。　She　suffered　very　much　from
his　inexplicable　and　incalculable　dark　rages；　when　a　blackness
filled　him；　and　a　black　wind　seemed　to　sweep　out　of　existence
everything　that　had　to　do　with　him。　She　could　feel　herself；
everything；　being　annihilated　by　him。

At　first　she　fought　him。　At　night；　in　this　state；　he　would
kneel　down　to　say　his　prayers。　She　looked　at　his　crouching
figure。

〃Why　are　you　kneeling　there；　pretending　to　pray？〃　she　said；
harshly。　〃Do　you　think　anybody　can　pray；　when　they　are　in　the
vile　temper　you　are　in？〃

He　remained　crouching　by　the　beside；　motionless。

〃It's　horrible；〃　she　continued；　〃and　such　a　pretence！　What　do
you　pretend　you　are　saying？　Who　do　you　pretend　you　are　praying
to？〃

He　still　remained　motionless；　seething　with　inchoate　rage；
when　his　whole　nature　seemed　to　disintegrate。　He　seemed　to　live
with　a　strain　upon　himself；　and　occasionally　came　these　dark；
chaotic　rages；　the　lust　for　destruction。　She　then　fought　with
him；　and　their　fights　were　horrible；　murderous。　And　then　the
passion　between　them　came　just　as　black　and　awful。

But　little　by　little；　as　she　learned　to　love　him　better；　she
would　put　herself　aside；　and　when　she　felt　one　of　his　fits　upon
him；　would　ignore　him；　successfully　leave　him　in　his　world；
whilst　she　remained　in　her　own。　He　had　a　black　struggle　with
himself；　to　e　back　to　her。　For　at　last　he　learned　that　he
would　be　in　hell　until　he　came　back　to　her。　So　he　struggled　to
submit　to　her；　and　she　was　afraid　of　the　ugly　strain　in　his
eyes。　She　made　love　to　him；　and　took　him。　Then　he　was　grateful
to　her　love；　humble。

He　made　himself　a　woodwork　shed；　in　which　to　restore　things
which　were　destroyed　in　the　church。　So　he　had　plenty　to　do：　his
wife；　his　child；　the　church；　the　woodwork；　and　his　wage…earning；
all　occupying　him。　If　only　there　were　not　some　limit　to　him；
some　darkness　across　his　eyes！　He　had　to　give　in　to　it　at　last
himself。　He　must　submit　to　his　oe
limit　to　himself；　of　＇something　unformed　in＇　his　own　black；
violent　temper；　and　to　reckon　with　it。　But　as　she　was　more　gentle
with　him；　it　became　quieter。

As　he　sat　sometimes　very　still；　with　a　bright；　vacant　face；
Anna　could　see　the　suffering　among　the　brightness。　He　was　aware
of　some　limit　to　himself；　of　something　unformed　in　his　very
being；　of　some　buds　which　were　not　ripe　in　him；　some　folded
centres　of　darkness　which　would　never　develop　and　unfold　whilst
he　was　alive　in　the　body。　He　was　unready　for　fulfilment。
Something　undeveloped　in　him　limited　him；　there　was　a　darkness
in　him　which　he　could　not　unfold；　which　would　never
unfold　in　him。



CHAPTER　VIII

THE　CHILD

From　the　first；　the　baby　stirred　in　the　young　father　a
deep；　strong　emotion　he　dared　scarcely　acknowledge；　it　was　so
strong　and　came　out　of　the　dark　of　him。　When　he　heard　the　child
cry；　a　terror　possessed　him；　because　of　the　answering　echo　from
the　unfathomed　distances　in　himself。　Must　he　know　in　himself
such　distances；　perilous　and　imminent？

He　had　the　infant　in　his　arms；　he　walked　backwards　and
forwards　troubled　by　the　crying　of　his　own　flesh　and　blood。　This
was　his　own　flesh　and　blood　crying！　His　soul　rose　against　the
voice　suddenly　breaking　out　from　him；　from　the　distances　in
him。

Sometimes　in　the　night；　the　child　cried　and　cried；　when　the
night　was　heavy　and　sleep　oppressed　him。　And　half　asleep；　he
stretched　out　his　hand　to　put　it　over　the　baby's　face　to　stop
the　crying。　But　something　arrested　his　hand：　the　very
inhumanness　of　the　intolerable；　continuous　crying　arrested　him。
It　was　so　impersonal；　without　cause　or　object。　Yet　he　echoed　to
it　directly；　his　soul　answered　its　madness。　It　filled　him　with
terror；　almost　with　frenzy。

He　learned　to　acquiesce　to　this；　to　submit　to　the　awful；
obliterated　sources　which　were　the　origin　of　his　living　tissue。
He　was　not　what　he　conceived　himself　to　be！　Then　he　was　what　he
was；　unknown；　potent；　dark。

He　became　accustomed　to　the　child；　he　knew　how　to　lift　and
balance　the　little　body。　The　baby　had　a　beautiful；　rounded　head
that　moved　him　passionately。　He　would　have　fought　to　the　last
drop　to　defend　that　exquisite；　perfect　round　head。

He　learned　to　know　the　little　hands　and　feet；　the　strange；
unseeing；　golden…brown　eyes；　the　mouth　that　opened　only　to　cry；
or　to　suck；　or　to　show　a　queer；　toothless　laugh。　He　could　almost
understand　even　the　dangling　legs；　which　at　first　had　created　in
him　a　feeling　of　aversion。　They　could　kick　in　their　queer　little
way；　they　had　their　own　softness。

One　evening；　suddenly；　he　saw　the　tiny；　living　thing　rolling
naked　in　the　mother's　lap；　and　he　was　sick；　it　was　so　utterly
helpless　and　vulnerable　and　extraneous；　in　a　world　of　hard
surfaces　and　varying　altitudes；　it　lay　vulnerable　and　naked　at
every　point。　Yet　it　was　quite　blithe。　And　yet；　in　its　blind；
awful　crying；　was　there　not　the　blind；　far…off　terror　of　its　own
vulnerable　nakedness；　the　terror　of　being　so　utterly　delivered
over；　helpless　at　every　point。　He　could　not　bear　to　hear　it
crying。　His　heart　strained　and　stood　on　guard　against　the　whole
universe。

But　he　waited　for　the　dread　of　these　days　to　pass；　he　saw　the
joy　ing。　He　saw　the　lovely；　creamy；　cool　little　ear　of　the
baby；　a　bit　of　dark　hair　rubbed　to　a　bronze　floss；　like
bronze…dust。　And　he　waited；　for　the　child　to　bee　his；　to　look
at　him　and　answer　him。

It　had　a　separate　being；　but　it　was　his　own　child。　His　flesh
and　blood　vibrated　to　it。　He　caught　the　baby　to　his　breast　with
his　passionate；　clapping　laugh。　And　the　infant　knew　him。

As　the　newly…opened；　newly…dawned　eyes　looked　at　him；　he
wanted　them　to　perceive　him；　to　recognize　him。　Then　he　was
verified。　The　child　knew　him；　a　queer　contortion　of　laughter
came　on　its　face　for　him。　He　caught　it　to　his　breast；　clapping
with　a　triumphant　laugh。

The　golden…brown　eyes　of　the　child　gradually　lit　up　and
dilated　at　the　sight　of　the　dark…glowing　face　of　the　youth。　It
knew　its　mother　better；　it　wanted　its　mother　more。　But　the
brightest；　sharpest　little　ecstasy　was　for　the　father。

It　began　to　be　strong；　to　move　vigorously　and　freely；　to　make
sounds　like　words。　It　was　a　baby　girl　now。　Already　it　knew　his
strong　hands；　it　exulted　in　his　strong　clasp；　it　laughed　and
crowed　when　he　played　with　it。

And　his　heart　grew　red……hot　with　passionate　feeling　for
the　child。　She　was　not　much　more　than　a　year　old　when　the　second
baby　was　born。　Then　he　took　Ursula　for　his　own。　She　his　first
little　girl。　He　had　set　his　heart　on　her。

The　second　had　dark　blue　eyes　and　a　fair　skin：　it　was　more　a
Brangwen；　people　said。　The　hair　was　fair。　But　they　forgot　Anna's
stiff　blonde　fleece　of　childhood。　They　called　the　newer
Gudrun。

This　time；　Anna　was　stronger；　and　not　so　eager。　She　did　not
mind　that　the　baby　was　not　a　boy。　It　was　enough　that　she　had
milk　and　could　suckle　her　child：　Oh；