The Rainbow-虹(英文版)-第43章

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call　that　standing？　Better　give　in　and　drown　at　once。

And　upon　what　could　he　stand；　save　upon　a　woman？　Was　he　then
like　the　old　man　of　the　seas；　impotent　to　move　save　upon　the
back　of　another　life？　Was　he　impotent；　or　a　cripple；　or　a
defective；　or　a　fragment？

It　was　black；　mad；　shameful　torture；　the　frenzy　of　fear；　the
frenzy　of　desire；　and　the　horrible；　grasping　back…wash　of
shame。

What　was　he　afraid　of？　Why　did　life；　without　Anna；　seem　to
him　just　a　horrible　welter；　everything　jostling　in　a
meaningless；　dark；　fathomless　flood？　Why；　if　Anna　left　him　even
for　a　week；　did　he　seem　to　be　clinging　like　a　madman　to　the　edge
of　reality；　and　slipping　surely；　surely　into　the　flood　of
unreality　that　would　drown　him。　This　horrible　slipping　into
unreality　drove　him　mad；　his　soul　screamed　with　fear　and
agony。

Yet　she　was　pushing　him　off　from　her；　pushing　him　away；
breaking　his　fingers　from　their　hold　on　her；　persistently；
ruthlessly。　He　wanted　her　to　have　pity。　And　sometimes　for　a
moment　she　had　pity。　But　she　always　began　again；　thrusting　him
off；　into　the　deep　water；　into　the　frenzy　and　agony　of
uncertainty。

She　became　like　a　fury　to　him；　without　any　sense　of　him。　Her
eyes　were　bright　with　a　cold；　unmoving　hatred。　Then　his　heart
seemed　to　die　in　its　last　fear。　She　might　push　him　off　into　the
deeps。

She　would　not　sleep　with　him　any　more。　She　said　he　destroyed
her　sleep。　Up　started　all　his　frenzy　and　madness　of　fear　and
suffering。　She　drove　him　away。　Like　a　cowed；　lurking　devil　he
was　driven　off；　his　mind　working　cunningly　against　her；　devising
evil　for　her。　But　she　drove　him　off。　In　his　moments　of　intense
suffering；　she　seemed　to　him　inconceivable；　a　monster；　the
principle　of　cruelty。

However　her　pity　might　give　way　for　moments；　she　was　hard　and
cold　as　a　jewel。　He　must　be　put　off　from　her；　she　must　sleep
alone。　She　made　him　a　bed　in　the　small　room。

And　he　lay　there　whipped；　his　soul　whipped　almost　to　death；
yet　unchanged。　He　lay　in　agony　of　suffering；　thrown　back　into
unreality；　like　a　man　thrown　overboard　into　a　sea；　to　swim　till
he　sinks；　because　there　is　no　hold；　only　a　wide；　weltering
sea。

He　did　not　sleep；　save　for　the　white　sleep　when　a　thin　veil
is　drawn　over　the　mind。　It　was　not　sleep。　He　was　awake；　and　he
was　not　awake。　He　could　not　be　alone。　He　needed　to　be　able　to
put　his　arms　round　her。　He　could　not　bear　the　empty　space
against　his　breast；　where　she　used　to　be。　He　could　not　bear　it。
He　felt　as　if　he　were　suspended　in　space；　held　there　by　the　grip
of　his　will。　If　he　relaxed　his　will　would　fall；　fall　through
endless　space；　into　the　bottomless　pit；　always　falling；
will…less；　helpless；　non…existent；　just　dropping　to　extinction；
falling　till　the　fire　of　friction　had　burned　out；　like　a　falling
star；　then　nothing；　nothing；　plete　nothing。

He　rose　in　the　morning　grey　and　unreal。　And　she　seemed　fond
of　him　again；　she　seemed　to　make　up　to　him　a　little。

〃I　slept　well；〃　she　said；　with　her　slightly　false　brightness。
〃Did　you？〃

〃All　right；〃　he　answered。

He　would　never　tell　her。

For　three　or　four　nights　he　lay　alone　through　the　white
sleep；　his　will　unchanged；　unchanged；　still　tense；　fixed　in　its
grip。　Then；　as　if　she　were　revived　and　free　to　be　fond　of　him
again；　deluded　by　his　silence　and　seeming　acquiescence；　moved
also　by　pity；　she　took　him　back　again。

Each　night；　in　spite　of　all　the　shame；　he　had　waited　with
agony　for　bedtime；　to　see　if　she　would　shut　him　out。　And　each
night；　as；　in　her　false　brightness；　she　said　Good　night；　he　felt
he　must　kill　her　or　himself。　But　she　asked　for　her　kiss；　so
pathetically；　so　prettily。　So　he　kissed　her；　whilst　his　heart
was　ice。

And　sometimes　he　went　out。　Once　he　sat　for　a　long　time　in　the
church　porch；　before　going　in　to　bed。　It　was　dark　with　a　wind
blowing。　He　sat　in　the　church　porch　and　felt　some　shelter；　some
security。　But　it　grew　cold；　and　he　must　go　in　to　bed。

Then　came　the　night　when　she　said；　putting　her　arms　round　him
and　kissing　him　fondly：

〃Stay　with　me　to…night；　will　you？〃

And　he　had　stayed　without　demur。　But　his　will　had　not
altered。　He　would　have　her　fixed　to　him。

So　that　soon　she　told　him　again　she　must　be　alone。

〃I　don't　want　to　send　you　away。　I　want　to　sleep
with　you。　But　I　can't　sleep；　you　don't　let　me　sleep。〃

His　blood　turned　black　in　his　veins。

〃What　do　you　mean　by　such　a　thing？　It's　an　arrant　lie。　I
don't　let　you　sleep〃

〃But　you　don't。　I　sleep　so　well　when　I'm　alone。　And　I　can't
sleep　when　you're　there。　You　do　something　to　me；　you　put　a
pressure　on　my　head。　And　I　must　sleep；　now　the　child　is
ing。〃

〃It's　something　in　yourself；〃　he　replied；　〃something　wrong　in
you。〃

Horrible　in　the　extreme　were　these　nocturnal　bats；　when
all　the　world　was　asleep；　and　they　two　were　alone；　alone　in　the
world；　and　repelling　each　other。　It　was　hardly　to　be　borne。

He　went　and　lay　down　alone。　And　at　length；　after　a　grey　and
livid　and　ghastly　period；　he　relaxed；　something　gave　way　in　him。
He　let　go；　he　did　not　care　what　became　of　him。　Strange　and　dim
he　became　to　himself；　to　her；　to　everybody。　A　vagueness　had　e
over　everything；　like　a　drowning。　And　it　was　an　infinite　relief
to　drown；　a　relief；　a　great；　great　relief。

He　would　insist　no　more；　he　would　force　her　no　more。　He　would
force　himself　upon　her　no　more。　He　would　let　go；　relax；　lapse；
and　what　would　be；　should　be。

Yet　he　wanted　her　still；　he　always；　always　wanted　her。　In　his
soul；　he　was　desolate　as　a　child；　he　was　so　helpless。　Like　a
child　on　its　mother；　he　depended　on　her　for　his　living。　He　knew
it；　and　he　knew　he　could　hardly　help　it。

Yet　he　must　be　able　to　be　alone。　He　must　be　able　to　lie　down
alongside　the　empty　space；　and　let　be。　He　must　be　able　to　leave
himself　to　the　flood；　to　sink　or　live　as　might　be。　For　he
recognized　at　length　his　own　limitation；　and　the　limitation　of
his　power。　He　had　to　give　in。

There　was　a　stillness；　a　wanness　between　them。　Half　at　least
of　the　battle　was　over。　Sometimes　she　wept　as　she　went　about；
her　heart　was　very　heavy。　But　the　child　was　always　warm　in　her
womb。

They　were　friends　again；　new；　subdued　friends。　But　there　was
a　wanness　between　them。　They　slept　together　once　more；　very
quietly；　and　distinct；　not　one　together　as　before。　And　she　was
intimate　with　him　as　at　first。　But　he　was　very　quiet；　and　not
intimate。　He　was　glad　in　his　soul；　but　for　the　time　being　he　was
not　alive。

He　could　sleep　with　her；　and　let　her　be。　He　could　be　alone
now。　He　had　just　learned　what　it　was　to　be　able　to　be　alone。　It
was　right　and　peaceful。　She　had　given　him　a　new；　deeper　freedom。
The　world　might　be　a　welter　of　uncertainty；　but　he　was　himself
now。　He　had　e　into　his　own　existence。　He　was　born　for　a
second　time；　born　at　last　unto　himself；　out　of　the　vast　body　of
humanity。　Now　at　last　he　had　a　separate　identity；　he　existed
alone；　even　if　he　were　not　quite　alone。　Before　he　had　only
existed　in　so　far　as　he　had　relations　with　another　being。　Now　he
had　an　absolute　self……as　well　as　a　relative　self。

But　it　was　a　very　dumb；　weak；　helpless　self；　a　crawling
nursling。　He　went　about　very　quiet；　and　in　a　way；　submissive。　He
had　an　unalterable　self　at　last；　free；　separate；
independent。

She　was　relieved；　she　was　free　of　him。　She　had　given　him　to
himself。　She　wept　sometimes　with　tiredness　and　helplessness。　But
he　was　a　husband。　And　she　seemed；　in　the　child　that　was　ing；
to　forget。　It　seemed　to　make　her　warm　and　drowsy。　She　lapsed
into　a　long　muse；　indistinct；　warm；　vague；　unwilling　to　be　taken
out　of　her　vagueness。　And　she　rested　on　him　also。

Sometimes　she　came　to　him　with　a　strange　light　in　her　eyes；
poignant；　pathetic；　as　if　she　were　asking　for　something。　He
looked　and　he　could　not　understand。　She　was　so　beautiful；　so
visionary；　the　rays　seemed　to　go　out　of　his　breast　to　her；　like
a　shining。　He　was　there　for　her；　all　for　her。　And　she　would　hold
his　breast；　and　kiss　it；　and　kiss　it；　kneeling　beside　him；　she
who　was　waiting　for　the　hour　of　her　delivery。　And　he　would　lie
looking　down　at　his　breast；　till　it　seemed　that　his　breast　was
not　himself；　that　he　had　left　it　lying　there。　Yet　it　was　himself
also；　and　beautiful　and　bright　with　her　kisses。　He　was　glad　with
a　strange；　radiant　pain。　Whilst　she　kneeled　beside　him；　and
kissed　his　breast　with　a　slow；　rapt；　half…devotional
movement。

He　knew　she　wanted　something；　his　heart　yearned　to　give　it
her。　His　heart　yearned　over　her。　And　as　she　lifted　her　face；
that　was　radiant　and　rosy　as　a　little　cloud；　his　heart　still
yearned　over　her；　and；　now　from　the　distance；　adored　her。　She
had　a　flower…like　presence　which　he　adored　as　he　stood　far　off；
a　stranger。

The　weeks　passed　on；　the　time　drew　near；　they　were　very
gentle；　and　delicately　happy。　The　insistent；　passionate；　dark
soul；　the　powerful　unsatisfaction　in　him　seemed　stilled　and
tamed；　the　lion　lay　down　with　the　lamb　in　him。

She　loved　him　very　much　indeed；　and　he　waited　near　her。　She
was　a　precious；　remote　thing　to　him　at　this　time；　as　she　waited
for　her　child。　Her　soul　was　glad　with　an　ecstasy　because　of　the
ing　infant。　She　wanted　a　boy：　oh；　very　much　she　wanted　a
boy。

But　she　seemed　so　young　and　so　frail。　She　was　indeed　only　a
girl。