The Rainbow-虹(英文版)-第41章

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beautiful　and　dazzling；　from　the　conception　in　her　womb。　She
walked　glorified；　and　the　sound　of　the　thrushes；　of　the　trains
in　the　valley；　of　the　far…off；　faint　noises　of　the　town；　were
her　〃Magnificat〃。

But　he　was　struggling　in　silence。　It　seemed　as　though　there
were　before　him　a　solid　wall　of　darkness　that　impeded　him　and
suffocated　him　and　made　him　mad。　He　wanted　her　to　e　to　him；
to　plete　him；　to　stand　before　him　so　that　his　eyes　did　not；
should　not　meet　the　naked　darkness。　Nothing　mattered　to　him　but
that　she　should　e　and　plete　him。　For　he　was　ridden　by　the
awful　sense　of　his　own　limitation。　It　was　as　if　he　ended
unpleted；　as　yet　uncreated　on　the　darkness；　and　he　wanted　her
to　e　and　liberate　him　into　the　whole。

But　she　was　plete　in　herself；　and　he　was　ashamed　of　his
need；　his　helpless　need　of　her。　His　need；　and　his　shame　of　need；
weighed　on　him　like　a　madness。　Yet　still　he　was　quiet　and
gentle；　in　reverence　of　her　conception；　and　because　she　was　with
child　by　him。

And　she　was　happy　in　showers　of　sunshine。　She　loved　her
husband；　as　a　presence；　as　a　grateful　condition。　But　for　the
moment　her　need　was　fulfilled；　and　now　she　wanted　only　to　hold
her　husband　by　the　hand　in　sheer　happiness；　without　taking
thought；　only　being　glad。

He　had　various　folios　of　reproductions；　and　among　them　a
cheap　print　from　Fra　Angelico's　〃Entry　of　the　Blessed　into
Paradise〃。　This　filled　Anna　with　bliss。　The　beautiful；　innocent
way　in　which　the　Blessed　held　each　other　by　the　hand　as　they
moved　towards　the　radiance；　the　real；　real；　angelic　melody；　made
her　weep　with　happiness。　The　floweriness；　the　beams　of　light；
the　linking　of　hands；　was　almost　too　much　for　her；　too
innocent。

Day　after　day　came　shining　through　the　door　of　Paradise；　day
after　day　she　entered　into　the　brightness。　The　child　in　her
shone　till　she　herself　was　a　beam　of　sunshine；　and　how　lovely
was　the　sunshine　that　loitered　and　wandered　out　of　doors；　where
the　catkins　on　the　big　hazel　bushes　at　the　end　of　the　garden
hung　in　their　shaken；　floating　aureole；　where　little　fumes　like
fire　burst　out　from　the　black　yew　trees　as　a　bird　settled
clinging　to　the　branches。　One　day　bluebells　were　along　the
hedge…bottoms；　then　cowslips　twinkled　like　manna；　golden　and
evanescent　on　the　meadows。　She　was　full　of　a　rich　drowsiness　and
loneliness。　How　happy　she　was；　how　gorgeous　it　was　to　live：　to
have　known　herself；　her　husband；　the　passion　of　love　and
begetting；　and　to　know　that　all　this　lived　and　waited　and　burned
on　around　her；　a　terrible　purifying　fire；　through　which　she　had
passed　for　once　to　e　to　this　peace　of　golden　radiance；　when
she　was　with　child；　and　innocent；　and　in　love　with　her　husband
and　with　all　the　many　angels　hand　in　hand。　She　lifted　her　throat
to　the　breeze　that　came　across　the　fields；　and　she　felt　it
handling　her　like　sisters　fondling　her；　she　drank　it　in　perfume
of　cowslips　and　of　apple…blossoms。

And　in　all　the　happiness　a　black　shadow；　shy；　wild；　a　beast
of　prey；　roamed　and　vanished　from　sight；　and　like　strands　of
gossamer　blown　across　her　eyes；　there　was　a　dread　for　her。

She　was　afraid　when　he　came　home　at　night。　As　yet；　her　fear
never　spoke；　the　shadow　never　rushed　upon　her。　He　was　gentle；
humble；　he　kept　himself　withheld。　His　hands　were　delicate　upon
her；　and　she　loved　them。　But　there　ran　through　her　the　thrill；
crisp　as　pain；　for　she　felt　the　darkness　and　other…world　still
in　his　soft；　sheathed　hands。

But　the　summer　drifted　in　with　the　silence　of　a　miracle；　she
was　almost　always　alone。　All　the　while；　went　on　the　long；　lovely
drowsiness；　the　maidenblush　roses　in　the　garden　were　all　shed；
washed　away　in　a　pouring　rain；　summer　drifted　into　autumn；　and
the　long；　vague；　golden　days　began　to　close。　Crimson　clouds
fumed　about　the　west；　and　as　night　came　on；　all　the　sky　was
fuming　and　steaming；　and　the　moon；　far　above　the　swiftness　of
vapours；　was　white；　bleared；　the　night　was　uneasy。　Suddenly　the
moon　would　appear　at　a　clear　window　in　the　sky；　looking　down
from　far　above；　like　a　captive。　And　Anna　did　not　sleep。　There
was　a　strange；　dark　tension　about　her　husband。

She　became　aware　that　he　was　trying　to　force　his　will　upon
her；　something；　there　was　something　he　wanted；　as　he　lay　there
dark　and　tense。　And　her　soul　sighed　in　weariness。

Everything　was　so　vague　and　lovely；　and　he　wanted　to　wake　her
up　to　the　hard；　hostile　reality。　She　drew　back　in　resistance。
Still　he　said　nothing。　But　she　felt　his　power　persisting　on　her；
till　she　became　aware　of　the　strain；　she　cried　out　against　the
exhaustion。　He　was　forcing　her；　he　was　forcing　her。　And　she
wanted　so　much　the　joy　and　the　vagueness　and　the　innocence　of
her　pregnancy。　She　did　not　want　his　bitter…corrosive　love；　she
did　not　want　it　poured　into　her；　to　burn　her。　Why　must　she　have
it？　Why；　oh；　why　was　he　not　content；　contained？

She　sat　many　hours　by　the　window；　in　those　days　when　he　drove
her　most　with　the　black　constraint　of　his　will；　and　she　watched
the　rain　falling　on　the　yew　trees。　She　was　not　sad；　only
wistful；　blanched。　The　child　under　her　heart　was　a　perpetual
warmth。　And　she　was　sure。　The　pressure　was　only　upon　her　from
the　outside；　her　soul　had　no　stripes。

Yet　in　her　heart　itself　was　always　this　same　strain；　tense；
anxious。　She　was　not　safe；　she　was　always　exposed；　she　was
always　attacked。　There　was　a　yearning　in　her　for　a　fulness　of
peace　and　blessedness。　What　a　heavy　yearning　it　was……so
heavy。

She　knew；　vaguely；　that　all　the　time　he　was　not　satisfied；
all　the　time　he　was　trying　to　force　something　from　her。　Ah；　how
she　wished　she　could　succeed　with　him；　in　her　own　way！　He　was
there；　so　inevitable。　She　lived　in　him　also。　And　how　she　wanted
to　be　at　peace　with　him；　at　peace。　She　loved　him。　She　would　give
him　love；　pure　love。　With　a　strange；　rapt　look　in　her　face；　she
awaited　his　homeing　that　night。

Then；　when　he　came；　she　rose　with　her　hands　full　of　love；　as
of　flowers；　radiant；　innocent。　A　dark　spasm　crossed　his　face。　As
she　watched；　her　face　shining　and　flower…like　with　innocent
love；　his　face　grew　dark　and　tense；　the　cruelty　gathered　in　his
brows；　his　eyes　turned　aside；　she　saw　the　whites　of　his　eyes　as
he　looked　aside　from　her。　She　waited；　touching　him　with　her
hands。　But　from　his　body　through　her　hands　came　the
bitter…corrosive　shock　of　his　passion　upon　her；　destroying　her
in　blossom。　She　shrank。　She　rose　from　her　knees　and　went　away
from　him；　to　preserve　herself。　And　it　was　great　pain　to　her。

To　him　also　it　was　agony。　He　saw　the　glistening；　flower…like
love　in　her　face；　and　his　heart　was　black　because　he　did　not
want　it。　Not　this……not　this。　He　did　not　want　flowery
innocence。　He　was　unsatisfied。　The　rage　and　storm　of
unsatisfaction　tormented　him　ceaselessly。　Why　had　she　not
satisfied　him？　He　had　satisfied　her。　She　was　satisfied；　at
peace；　innocent　round　the　doors　of　her　own　paradise。

And　he　was　unsatisfied；　unfulfilled；　he　raged　in　torment；
wanting；　wanting。　It　was　for　her　to　satisfy　him：　then　let　her　do
it。　Let　her　not　e　with　flowery　handfuls　of　innocent　love。　He
would　throw　these　aside　and　trample　the　flowers　to　nothing。　He
would　destroy　her　flowery；　innocent　bliss。　Was　he　not　entitled
to　satisfaction　from　her；　and　was　not　his　heart　all　raging
desire；　his　soul　a　black　torment　of　unfulfilment。　Let　it　be
fulfilled　in　him；　then；　as　it　was　fulfilled　in　her。　He　had　given
her　her　fulfilment。　Let　her　rise　up　and　do　her　part。

He　was　cruel　to　her。　But　all　the　time　he　was　ashamed。　And
being　ashamed；　he　was　more　cruel。　For　he　was　ashamed　that　he
could　not　e　to　fulfilment　without　her。　And　he　could　not。　And
she　would　not　heed　him。　He　was　shackled　and　in　darkness　of
torment。

She　beseeched　him　to　work　again；　to　do　his　wood…carving。　But
his　soul　was　too　black。　He　had　destroyed　his　panel　of　Adam　and
Eve。　He　could　not　begin　again；　least　of　all　now；　whilst　he　was
in　this　condition。

For　her　there　was　no　final　release；　since　he　could　not　be
liberated　from　himself。　Strange　and　amorphous；　she　must　go
yearning　on　through　the　trouble；　like　a　warm；　glowing　cloud
blown　in　the　middle　of　a　storm。　She　felt　so　rich；　in　her　warm
vagueness；　that　her　soul　cried　out　on　him；　because　he　harried
her　and　wanted　to　destroy　her。

She　had　her　moments　of　exaltation　still；　re…births　of　old
exaltations。　As　she　sat　by　her　bedroom　window；　watching　the
steady　rain；　her　spirit　was　somewhere　far　off。

She　sat　in　pride　and　curious　pleasure。　When　there　was　no　one
to　exult　with；　and　the　unsatisfied　soul　must　dance　and　play；
then　one　danced　before　the　Unknown。

Suddenly　she　realized　that　this　was　what　she　wanted　to　do。
Big　with　child　as　she　was；　she　danced　there　in　the　bedroom　by
herself；　lifting　her　hands　and　her　body　to　the　Unseen；　to　the
unseen　Creator　who　had　chosen　her；　to　Whom　she　belonged。

She　would　not　have　had　anyone　know。　She　danced　in　secret；　and
her　soul　rose　in　bliss。　She　danced　in　secret　before　the　Creator；
she　took　off　her　clothes　and　danced　in　the　pride　of　her
bigness。

It　surprised　her；　when　it　was　over。　She　was　shrinking　and
afraid。　To　what　was　she　now　exposed？　She　half　wanted　to　tell　her
husband。　Yet　she　shrank　from　him。

All　the　time　she　ran　on　by　herself。　She　liked　the　stor