The Rainbow-虹(英文版)-第15章

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sat　with　every　nerve；　every　vein；　every　fibre　of　muscle　in　his
body　stretched　on　a　tension。　He　felt　like　a　broken　arch　thrust
sickeningly　out　from　support。　For　her　response　was　gone；　he
thrust　at　nothing。　And　he　remained　himself；　he　saved　himself
from　crashing　down　into　nothingness；　from　being　squandered　into
fragments；　by　sheer　tension；　sheer　backward　resistance。

During　the　last　months　of　her　pregnancy；　he　went　about　in　a
surcharged；　imminent　state　that　did　not　exhaust　itself。　She　was
also　depressed；　and　sometimes　she　cried。　It　needed　so　much　life
to　begin　afresh；　after　she　had　lost　so　lavishly。　Sometimes　she
cried。　Then　he　stood　stiff；　feeling　his　heart　would　burst。　For
she　did　not　want　him；　she　did　not　want　even　to　be　made　aware　of
him。　By　the　very　puckering　of　her　face　he　knew　that　he　must
stand　back；　leave　her　intact；　alone。　For　it　was　the　old　grief
e　back　in　her；　the　old　loss；　the　pain　of　the　old　life；　the
dead　husband；　the　dead　children。　This　was　sacred　to　her；　and　he
must　not　violate　her　with　his　fort。　For　what　she　wanted　she
would　e　to　him。　He　stood　aloof　with　turgid　heart。

He　had　to　see　her　tears　e；　fall　over　her　scarcely　moving
face；　that　only　puckered　sometimes；　down　on　to　her　breast；　that
was　so　still；　scarcely　moving。　And　there　was　no　noise；　save　now
and　again；　when；　with　a　strange；　somnambulant　movement；　she　took
her　handkerchief　and　wiped　her　face　and　blew　her　nose；　and　went
on　with　the　noiseless　weeping。　He　knew　that　any　offer　of　fort
from　himself　would　be　worse　than　useless；　hateful　to　her；
jangling　her。　She　must　cry。　But　it　drove　him　insane。　His　heart
was　scalded；　his　brain　hurt　in　his　head；　he　went　away；　out　of
the　house。

His　great　and　chiefest　source　of　solace　was　the　child。　She
had　been　at　first　aloof　from　him；　reserved。　However　friendly　she
might　seem　one　day；　the　next　she　would　have　lapsed　to　her
original　disregard　of　him；　cold；　detached；　at　her　distance。

The　first　morning　after　his　marriage　he　had　discovered　it
would　not　be　so　easy　with　the　child。　At　the　break　of　dawn　he　had
started　awake　hearing　a　small　voice　outside　the　door　saying
plaintively：

〃Mother！〃

He　rose　and　opened　the　door。　She　stood　on　the　threshold　in
her　night…dress；　as　she　had　climbed　out　of　bed；　black　eyes
staring　round　and　hostile；　her　fair　hair　sticking　out　in　a　wild
fleece。　The　man　and　child　confronted　each　other。

〃I　want　my　mother；〃　she　said；　jealously　accenting　the
〃my〃。

〃e　on　then；〃　he　said　gently。

〃Where's　my　mother？〃

〃She's　here……e　on。〃

The　child's　eyes；　staring　at　the　man　with　ruffled　hair　and
beard；　did　not　change。　The　mother's　voice　called　softly。　The
little　bare　feet　entered　the　room　with　trepidation。

〃Mother！〃

〃e；　my　dear。〃

The　small　bare　feet　approached　swiftly。

〃I　wondered　where　you　were；〃　came　the　plaintive　voice。　The
mother　stretched　out　her　arms。　The　child　stood　beside　the　high
bed。　Brangwen　lightly　lifted　the　tiny　girl；　with　an
〃up…a…daisy〃；　then　took　his　own　place　in　the　bed　again。

〃Mother！〃　cried　the　child；　as　in　anguish。

〃What；　my　pet？〃

Anna　wriggled　close　into　her　mother's　arms；　clinging　tight；
hiding　from　the　fact　of　the　man。　Brangwen　lay　still；　and　waited。
There　was　a　long　silence。

Then　suddenly；　Anna　looked　round；　as　if　she　thought　he　would
be　gone。　She　saw　the　face　of　the　man　lying　upturned　to　the
ceiling。　Her　black　eyes　stared　antagonistic　from　her　exquisite
face；　her　arms　clung　tightly　to　her　mother；　afraid。　He　did　not
move　for　some　time；　not　knowing　what　to　say。　His　face　was　smooth
and　soft…skinned　with　love；　his　eyes　full　of　soft　light。　He
looked　at　her；　scarcely　moving　his　head；　his　eyes　smiling。

〃Have　you　just　wakened　up？〃　he　said。

〃Go　away；〃　she　retorted；　with　a　little　darting　forward　of　the
head；　something　like　a　viper。

〃Nay；〃　he　answered；　〃I'm　not　going。　You　can　go。〃

〃Go　away；〃　came　the　sharp　little　mand。

〃There's　room　for　you；〃　he　said。

〃You　can't　send　your　father　from　his　own　bed；　my　little
bird；〃　said　her　mother；　pleasantly。

The　child　glowered　at　him；　miserable　in　her　impotence。

〃There's　room　for　you　as　well；〃　he　said。　〃It's　a　big　bed
enough。〃

She　glowered　without　answering；　then　turned　and　clung　to　her
mother。　She　would　not　allow　it。

During　the　day　she　asked　her　mother　several　times：

〃When　are　we　going　home；　mother？〃

〃We　are　at　home；　darling；　we　live　here　now。　This　is　our
house；　we　live　here　with　your　father。〃

The　child　was　forced　to　accept　it。　But　she　remained　against
the　man。　As　night　came　on；　she　asked：

〃Where　are　you　going　to　sleep；　mother？〃

〃I　sleep　with　the　father　now。〃

And　when　Brangwen　came　in；　the　child　asked　fiercely：

〃Why　do　you　sleep　with　my　mother？　My　mother
sleeps　with　me；〃　her　voice　quivering。

〃You　e　as　well；　an'　sleep　with　both　of　us；〃　he　coaxed。

〃Mother！〃　she　cried；　turning；　appealing　against　him。

〃But　I　must　have　a　husband；　darling。　All　women　must　have　a
husband。〃

〃And　you　like　to　have　a　father　with　your　mother；　don't　you？〃
said　Brangwen。

Anna　glowered　at　him。　She　seemed　to　cogitate。

〃No；〃　she　cried　fiercely　at　length；　〃no；　I　don't
want。〃　And　slowly　her　face　puckered；　she　sobbed　bitterly。
He　stood　and　watched　her；　sorry。　But　there　could　be　no　altering
it。

Which；　when　she　knew；　she　became　quiet。　He　was　easy　with　her；
talking　to　her；　taking　her　to　see　the　live　creatures；　bringing
her　the　first　chickens　in　his　cap；　taking　her　to　gather　the
eggs；　letting　her　throw　crusts　to　the　horse。　She　would　easily
acpany　him；　and　take　all　he　had　to　give；　but　she　remained
neutral　still。

She　was　curiously；　inprehensibly　jealous　of　her　mother；
always　anxiously　concerned　about　her。　If　Brangwen　drove　with　his
wife　to　Nottingham；　Anna　ran　about　happily　enough；　or
unconcerned；　for　a　long　time。　Then；　as　afternoon　came　on；　there
was　only　one　cry……〃I　want　my　mother；　I　want　my
mother〃　and　a　bitter；　pathetic　sobbing　that　soon
had　the　soft…hearted　Tilly　sobbing　too。　The　child's　anguish　was
that　her　mother　was　gone；　gone。

Yet　as　a　rule；　Anna　seemed　cold；　resenting　her　mother；
critical　of　her。　It　was：

〃I　don't　like　you　to　do　that；　mother；〃　or；　〃I　don't　like　you
to　say　that。〃　She　was　a　sore　problem　to　Brangwen　and　to　all　the
people　at　the　Marsh。　As　a　rule；　however；　she　was　active；　lightly
flitting　about　the　farmyard；　only　appearing　now　and　again　to
assure　herself　of　her　mother。　Happy　she　never　seemed；　but　quick；
sharp；　absorbed；　full　of　imagination　and　changeability。　Tilly
said　she　was　bewitched。　But　it　did　not　matter　so　long　as　she　did
not　cry。　There　was　something　heart…rending　about　Anna's　crying；
her　childish　anguish　seemed　so　utter　and　so　timeless；　as　if　it
were　a　thing　of　all　the　ages。

She　made　playmates　of　the　creatures　of　the　farmyard；　talking
to　them；　telling　them　the　stories　she　had　from　her　mother；
counselling　them　and　correcting　them。　Brangwen　found　her　at　the
gate　leading　to　the　paddock　and　to　the　duckpond。　She　was　peering
through　the　bars　and　shouting　to　the　stately　white　geese；　that
stood　in　a　curving　line：

〃You're　not　to　call　at　people　when　they　want　to　e。　You
must　not　do　it。〃

The　heavy；　balanced　birds　looked　at　the　fierce　little　face
and　the　fleece　of　keen　hair　thrust　between　the　bars；　and　they
raised　their　heads　and　swayed　off；　producing　the　long；
can…canking；　protesting　noise　of　geese；　rocking　their　ship…like；
beautiful　white　bodies　in　a　line　beyond　the　gate。

〃You're　naughty；　you're　naughty；〃　cried　Anna；　tears　of　dismay
and　vexation　in　her　eyes。　And　she　stamped　her　slipper。

〃Why；　what　are　they　doing？〃　said　Brangwen。

〃They　won't　let　me　e　in；〃　she　said；　turning　her　flushed
little　face　to　him。

〃Yi；　they　will。　You　can　go　in　if　you　want　to；〃　and　he　pushed
open　the　gate　for　her。

She　stood　irresolute；　looking　at　the　group　of　bluey…white
geese　standing　monumental　under　the　grey；　cold　day。

〃Go　on；〃　he　said。

She　marched　valiantly　a　few　steps　in。　Her　little　body　started
convulsively　at　the　sudden；　derisive　can…cank…ank　of　the　geese。
A　blankness　spread　over　her。　The　geese　trailed　away　with
uplifted　heads　under　the　low　grey　sky。

〃They　don't　know　you；〃　said　Brangwen。　〃You　should　tell　'em
what　your　name　is。〃

〃They're　naughty　to　shout　at　me；〃　she　flashed。

〃They　think　you　don't　live　here；〃　he　said。

Later　he　found　her　at　the　gate　calling　shrilly　and
imperiously：

〃My　name　is　Anna；　Anna　Lensky；　and　I　live　here；　because　Mr。
Brangwen's　my　father　now。　He　is；　yes　he　is。　And　I
live　here。〃

This　pleased　Brangwen　very　much。　And　gradually；　without
knowing　it　herself；　she　clung　to　him；　in　her　lost；　childish；
desolate　moments；　when　it　was　good　to　creep　up　to　something　big
and　warm；　and　bury　her　little　self　in　his　big；　unlimited　being。
Instinctively　he　was　careful　of　her；　careful　to　recognize　her
and　to　give　himself　to　her　disposal。

She　was　difficult　of　her　affections。　For　Tilly；　she　had　a
childish；　essential　contempt；　almost　dislike；　because　the　poor
woman　was　such　a　servant。　The　child　would　not　let　the
serving…woman　attend　to　her；　do　intimate　things　for　her；　not　for
a　long　time。　She　treated　her　as　one　of　an　inferior　race。
Brangwen　did　not　like　it。

〃Why　aren't　you　fond　of　Tilly？〃　he　asked。

〃Because……because……because　she　looks　at　me　wi