The Rainbow-虹(英文版)-第12章

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the　gorse　bushes　shrinking　from　their　presence；　she　stepped　into
the　heather　as　into　a　quickening　bath　that　almost　hurt。　Her
fingers　moved　over　the　clasped　fingers　of　the　child；　she　heard
the　anxious　voice　of　the　baby；　as　it　tried　to　make　her　talk；
distraught。

And　she　shrank　away　again；　back　into　her　darkness；　and　for　a
long　while　remained　blotted　safely　away　from　living。　But　autumn
came　with　the　faint　red　glimmer　of　robins　singing；　winter
darkened　the　moors；　and　almost　savagely　she　turned　again　to
life；　demanding　her　life　back　again；　demanding　that　it　should　be
as　it　had　been　when　she　was　a　girl；　on　the　land　at　home；　under
the　sky。　Snow　lay　in　great　expanses；　the　telegraph　posts　strode
over　the　white　earth；　away　under　the　gloom　of　the　sky。　And
savagely　her　desire　rose　in　her　again；　demanding　that　this　was
Poland；　her　youth；　that　all　was　her　own　again。

But　there　were　no　sledges　nor　bells；　she　did　not　see　the
peasants　ing　out　like　new　people；　in　their　sheepskins　and
their　fresh；　ruddy；　bright　faces；　that　seemed　to　bee　new　and
vivid　when　the　snow　lit　up　the　ground。　It　did　not　e　to　her；
the　life　of　her　youth；　it　did　not　e　back。　There　was　a　little
agony　of　struggle；　then　a　relapse　into　the　darkness　of　the
convent；　where　Satan　and　the　devils　raged　round　the　walls；　and
Christ　was　white　on　the　cross　of　victory。

She　watched　from　the　sick…room　the　snow　whirl　past；　like
flocks　of　shadows　in　haste；　flying　on　some　final　mission　out　to
a　leaden　inalterable　sea；　beyond　the　final　whiteness　of　the
curving　shore；　and　the　snow…speckled　blackness　of　the　rocks　half
submerged。　But　near　at　hand　on　the　trees　the　snow　was　soft　in
bloom。　Only　the　voice　of　the　dying　vicar　spoke　grey　and
querulous　from　behind。

By　the　time　the　snowdrops　were　out；　however；　he　was　dead。　He
was　dead。　But　ity　the　returning　woman
watched　the　snowdrops　on　the　edge　of　the　grass　below；　blown
white　in　the　wind；　but　not　to　be　blown　away。　She　watched　them
fluttering　and　bobbing；　the　white；　shut　flowers；　anchored　by　a
thread　to　the　grey…green　grass；　yet　never　blown　away；　not
drifting　with　the　wind。

As　she　rose　in　the　morning；　the　dawn　was　beating　up　white；
gusts　of　light　blown　like　a　thin　snowstorm　from　the　east；　blown
stronger　and　fiercer；　till　the　rose　appeared；　and　the　gold；　and
the　sea　lit　up　below。　She　was　impassive　and　indifferent。　Yet　she
was　outside　the　enclosure　of　darkness。

There　passed　a　space　of　shadow　again；　the　familiarity　of
dread…worship；　during　which　she　was　moved；　oblivious；　to
Cossethay。　There；　at　first；　there　was　nothing……just　grey
nothing。　But　then　one　morning　there　was　a　light　from　the　yellow
jasmine　caught　her；　and　after　that；　morning　and　evening；　the
persistent　ringing　of　thrushes　from　the　shrubbery；　till　her
heart；　beaten　upon；　was　forced　to　lift　up　its　voice　in　rivalry
and　answer。　Little　tunes　came　into　her　mind。　She　was　full　of
trouble　almost　like　anguish。　Resistant；　she　knew　she　was　beaten；
and　from　fear　of　darkness　turned　to　fear　of　light。　She　would
have　hidden　herself　indoors；　if　she　could。　Above　all；　she　craved
for　the　peace　and　heavy　oblivion　of　her　old　state。　She　could　not
bear　to　e　to；　to　realize。　The　first　pangs　of　this　new
parturition　were　so　acute；　she　knew　she　could　not　bear　it。　She
would　rather　remain　out　of　life；　than　be　torn；　mutilated　into
this　birth；　which　she　could　not　survive。　She　had　not　the
strength　to　e　to　life　now；　in　England；　so　foreign；　skies　so
hostile。　She　knew　she　would　die　like　an　early；　colourless；
scentless　flower　that　the　end　of　the　winter　puts　forth
mercilessly。　And　she　wanted　to　harbour　her　modicum　of　twinkling
life。

But　a　sunshiny　day　came　full　of　the　scent　of　a　mezereon　tree；
when　bees　were　tumbling　into　the　yellow　crocuses；　and　she
forgot；　she　felt　like　somebody　else；　not　herself；　a　new　person；
quite　glad。　But　she　knew　it　was　fragile；　and　she　dreaded　it。　The
vicar　put　pea…flower　into　the　crocuses；　for　his　bees　to　roll　in；
and　she　laughed。　Then　night　came；　with　brilliant　stars　that　she
knew　of　old；　from　her　girlhood。　And　they　flashed　so　bright；　she
knew　they　were　victors。

She　could　neither　wake　nor　sleep。　As　if　crushed　between　the
past　and　the　future；　like　a　flower　that　es　above…ground　to
find　a　great　stone　lying　above　it；　she　was　helpless。

The　bewilderment　and　helplessness　continued；　she　was
surrounded　by　great　moving　masses　that　must　crush　her。　And　there
was　no　escape。　Save　in　the　old　obliviousness；　the　cold　darkness
she　strove　to　retain。　But　the　vicar　showed　her　eggs　in　the
thrush's　nest　near　the　back　door。　She　saw　herself　the
mother…thrush　upon　the　nest；　and　the　way　her　wings　were　spread；
so　eager　down　upon　her　secret。　The　tense；　eager；　nesting　wings
moved　her　beyond　endurance。　She　thought　of　them　in　the　morning；
when　she　heard　the　thrush　whistling　as　he　got　up；　and　she
thought；　〃Why　didn't　I　die　out　there；　why　am　I　brought
here？〃

She　was　aware　of　people　who　passed　around　her；　not　as
persons；　but　as　looming　presences。　It　was　very　difficult　for　her
to　adjust　herself。　In　Poland；　the　peasantry；　the　people；　had
been　cattle　to　her；　they　had　been　her　cattle　that　she　owned　and
used。　What　were　these　people？　Now　she　was　ing　awake；　she　was
lost。

But　she　had　felt　Brangwen　go　by　almost　as　if　he　had　brushed
her。　She　had　tingled　in　body　as　she　had　gone　on　up　the　road。
After　she　had　been　with　him　in　the　Marsh　kitchen；　the　voice　of
her　body　had　risen　strong　and　insistent。　Soon；　she　wanted　him。
He　was　the　man　who　had　e　nearest　to　her　for　her
awakening。

Always；　however；　between…whiles　she　lapsed　into　the　old
unconsciousness；　indifference　and　there　was　a　will　in　her　to
save　herself　from　living　any　more。　But　she　would　wake　in　the
morning　one　day　and　feel　her　blood　running；　feel　herself　lying
open　like　a　flower　unsheathed　in　the　sun；　insistent　and　potent
with　demand。

She　got　to　know　him　better；　and　her　instinct　fixed　on
him……just　on　him。　Her　impulse　was　strong　against　him；
because　he　was　not　of　her　own　sort。　But　one　blind　instinct　led
her；　to　take　him；　to　leave　him；　and　then　to　relinquish　herself
to　him。　It　would　be　safety。　She　felt　the　rooted　safety　of　him；
and　the　life　in　him。　Also　he　was　young　and　very　fresh。　The　blue；
steady　livingness　of　his　eyes　she　enjoyed　like　morning。　He　was
very　young。

Then　she　lapsed　again　to　stupor　and　indifference。　This；
however；　was　bound　to　pass。　The　warmth　flowed　through　her；　she
felt　herself　opening；　unfolding；　asking；　as　a　flower　opens　in
full　request　under　the　sun；　as　the　beaks　of　tiny　birds　open
flat；　to　receive；　to　receive。　And　unfolded　she　turned　to　him；
straight　to　him。　And　he　came；　slowly；　afraid；　held　back　by
uncouth　fear；　and　driven　by　a　desire　bigger　than　himself。

When　she　opened　and　turned　to　him；　then　all　that　had　been　and
all　that　was；　was　gone　from　her；　she　was　as　new　as　a　flower　that
unsheathes　itself　and　stands　always　ready；　waiting；　receptive。
He　could　not　understand　this。　He　forced　himself；　through　lack　of
understanding；　to　the　adherence　to　the　line　of　honourable
courtship　and　sanctioned；　licensed　marriage。　Therefore；　after　he
had　gone　to　the　vicarage　and　asked　for　her；　she　remained　for
some　days　held　in　this　one　spell；　open；　receptive　to　him；　before
him。　He　was　roused　to　chaos。　He　spoke　to　the　vicar　and　gave　in
the　banns。　Then　he　stood　to　wait。

She　remained　attentive　and　instinctively　expectant　before
him；　unfolded；　ready　to　receive　him。　He　could　not　act；　because
of　self…fear　and　because　of　his　conception　of　honour　towards
her。　So　he　remained　in　a　state　of　chaos。

And　after　a　few　days；　gradually　she　closed　again；　away　from
him；　was　sheathed　over；　impervious　to　him；　oblivious。　Then　a
black；　bottomless　despair　became　real　to　him；　he　knew　what　he
had　lost。　He　felt　he　had　lost　it　for　good；　he　knew　what　it　was
to　have　been　in　munication　with　her；　and　to　be　cast　off
again。　In　misery；　his　heart　like　a　heavy　stone；　he　went　about
unliving。

Till　gradually　he　became　desperate；　lost　his　understanding；
was　plunged　in　a　revolt　that　knew　no　bounds。　Inarticulate；　he
moved　with　her　at　the　Marsh　in　violent；　gloomy；　wordless
passion；　almost　in　hatred　of　her。　Till　gradually　she　became
aware　of　him；　aware　of　herself　with　regard　to　him；　her　blood
stirred　to　life；　she　began　to　open　towards　him；　to　flow　towards
him　again。　He　waited　till　the　spell　was　between　them　again；　till
they　were　together　within　one　rushing；　hastening　flame。　And　then
again　he　was　bewildered；　he　was　tied　up　as　with　cords；　and　could
not　move　to　her。　So　she　came　to　him；　and　unfastened　the　breast
of　his　waistcoat　and　his　shirt；　and　put　her　hand　on　him；　needing
to　know　him。　For　it　was　cruel　to　her；　to　be　opened　and　offered
to　him；　yet　not　to　know　what　he　was；　not　even　that　he　was　there。
She　gave　herself　to　the　hour；　but　he　could　not；　and　he　bungled
in　taking　her。

So　that　he　lived　in　suspense；　as　if　only　half　his　faculties
worked；　until　the　wedding。　She　did　not　understand。　But　the
vagueness　came　over　her　again；　and　the　days　lapsed　by。　He　could
not　get　definitely　into　touch　with　her。　For　the　time　being；　she
let　him　go　again。

He　suffered　very　much　from　the　thought　of　actual　marriage；
the　intimacy　and　nakedness　of　marriage。　He　knew　her　so　little。
They　were　so　for