The Rainbow-虹(英文版)-第114章

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pelled　her；　and　yet　it　was　not　real。　Always　the　ache；　the
ache　of　unreality；　of　her　belonging　to　Skrebensky。　What　bound
her　to　him　when　she　was　not　bound　to　him？　Why　did　the　falsity
persist？　Why　did　the　falsity　gnaw；　gnaw；　gnaw　at　her；　why　could
she　not　wake　up　to　clarity；　to　reality。　If　she　could　but　wake
up；　if　she　could　but　wake　up；　the　falsity　of　the　dream；　of　her
connection　with　Skrebensky；　would　be　gone。　But　the　sleep；　the
delirium　pinned　her　down。　Even　when　she　was　calm　and　sober　she
was　in　its　spell。

Yet　she　was　never　in　its　spell。　What　extraneous　thing　bound
her　to　him？　There　was　some　bond　put　upon　her。　Why　could　she　not
break　it　through？　What　was　it？　What　was　it？

In　her　delirium　she　beat　and　beat　at　the　question。　And　at
last　her　weariness　gave　her　the　answer……it　was　the　child。
The　child　bound　her　to　him。　The　child　was　like　a　bond　round　her
brain；　tightened　on　her　brain。　It　bound　her　to　Skrebensky。

But　why；　why　did　it　bind　her　to　Skrebensky？　Could　she　not
have　a　child　of　herself？　Was　not　the　child　her　own　affair？　all
her　own　affair？　What　had　it　to　do　with　him？　Why　must　she　be
bound；　aching　and　cramped　with　the　bondage；　to　Skrebensky　and
Skrebensky's　world？　Anton's　world：　it　became　in　her　feverish
brain　a　pression　which　enclosed　her。　If　she　could　not　get　out
of　the　pression　she　would　go　mad。　The　pression　was　Anton
and　Anton's　world；　not　the　Anton　she　possessed；　but　the　Anton
she　did　not　possess；　that　which　was　owned　by　some　other
influence；　by　the　world。

She　fought　and　fought　and　fought　all　through　her　illness　to
be　free　of　him　and　his　world；　to　put　it　aside；　to　put　it　aside；
into　its　place。　Yet　ever　anew　it　gained　ascendency　over　her；　it
laid　new　hold　on　her。　Oh；　the　unutterable　weariness　of　her
flesh；　which　she　could　not　cast　off；　nor　yet　extricate。　If　she
could　but　extricate　herself；　if　she　could　but　disengage　herself
from　feeling；　from　her　body；　from　all　the　vast　encumbrances　of
the　world　that　was　in　contact　with　her；　from　her　father；　and　her
mother；　and　her　lover；　and　all　her　acquaintance。

Repeatedly；　in　an　ache　of　utter　weariness　she　repeated：　〃I
have　no　father　nor　mother　nor　lover；　I　have　no　allocated　place
in　the　world　of　things；　I　do　not　belong　to　Beldover　nor　to
Nottingham　nor　to　England　nor　to　this　world；　they　none　of　them
exist；　I　am　trammelled　and　entangled　in　them；　but　they　are　all
unreal。　I　must　break　out　of　it；　like　a　nut　from　its　shell　which
is　an　unreality。〃

And　again；　to　her　feverish　brain；　came　the　vivid　reality　of
acorns　in　February　lying　on　the　floor　of　a　wood　with　their
shells　burst　and　discarded　and　the　kernel　issued　naked　to　put
itself　forth。　She　was　the　naked；　clear　kernel　thrusting　forth
the　clear；　powerful　shoot；　and　the　world　was　a　bygone　winter；
discarded；　her　mother　and　father　and　Anton；　and　college　and　all
her　friends；　all　cast　off　like　a　year　that　has　gone　by；　whilst
the　kernel　was　free　and　naked　and　striving　to　take　new　root；　to
create　a　new　knowledge　of　Eternity　in　the　flux　of　Time。　And　the
kernel　was　the　only　reality；　the　rest　was　cast　off　into
oblivion。

This　grew　and　grew　upon　her。　When　she　opened　her　eyes　in　the
afternoon　and　saw　the　window　of　her　room　and　the　faint；　smoky
landscape　beyond；　this　was　all　husk　and　shell　lying　by；　all　husk
and　shell；　she　could　see　nothing　else；　she　was　enclosed　still；
but　loosely　enclosed。　There　was　a　space　between　her　and　the
shell。　It　was　burst；　there　was　a　rift　in　it。　Soon　she　would　have
her　root　fixed　in　a　new　Day；　her　nakedness　would　take　itself　the
bed　of　a　new　sky　and　a　new　air；　this　old；　decaying；　fibrous　husk
would　be　gone。

Gradually　she　began　really　to　sleep。　She　slept　in　the
confidence　of　her　new　reality。　She　slept　breathing　with　her　soul
the　new　air　of　a　new　world。　The　peace　was　very　deep　and
enrichening。　She　had　her　root　in　new　ground；　she　was　gradually
absorbed　into　growth。

When　she　woke　at　last　it　seemed　as　if　a　new　day　had　e　on
the　earth。　How　long；　how　long　had　she　fought　through　the　dust
and　obscurity；　for　this　new　dawn？　How　frail　and　fine　and　clear
she　felt；　like　the　most　fragile　flower　that　opens　in　the　end　of
winter。　But　the　pole　of　night　was　turned　and　the　dawn　was　ing
in。

Very　far　off　was　her　old　experience……Skrebensky；　her
parting　with　him……very　far　off。　Some　things　were　real；
those　first　glamorous　weeks。　Before；　these　had　seemed　like
hallucination。　Now　they　seemed　like　mon　reality。　The　rest　was
unreal。　She　knew　that　Skrebensky　had　never　bee　finally　real。
In　the　weeks　of　passionate　ecstasy　he　had　been　with　her　in　her
desire；　she　had　created　him　for　the　time　being。　But　in　the　end
he　had　failed　and　broken　down。

Strange；　what　a　void　separated　him　and　her。　She　liked　him
now；　as　she　liked　a　memory；　some　bygone　self。　He　was　something
of　the　past；　finite。　He　was　that　which　is　known。　She　felt　a
poignant　affection　for　him；　as　for　that　which　is　past。　But；　when
she　looked　with　her　face　forward；　he　was　not。　Nay；　when　she
looked　ahead；　into　the　undiscovered　land　before　her；　what　was
there　she　could　recognize　but　a　fresh　glow　of　light　and
inscrutable　trees　going　up　from　the　earth　like　smoke。　It　was　the
unknown；　the　unexplored；　the　undiscovered　upon　whose　shore　she
had　landed；　alone；　after　crossing　the　void；　the　darkness　which
washed　the　New　World　and　the　Old。

There　would　be　no　child：　she　was　glad。　If　there　had　been　a
child；　it　would　have　made　little　difference；　however。　She　would
have　kept　the　child　and　herself；　she　would　not　have　gone　to
Skrebensky。　Anton　belonged　to　the　past。

There　came　the　cablegram　from　Skrebensky：　〃I　am　married。〃　An
old　pain　and　anger　and　contempt　stirred　in　her。　Did　he　belong　so
utterly　to　the　cast…off　past？　She　repudiated　him。　He　was　as　he
was。　It　was　good　that　he　was　as　he　was。　Who　was　she　to　have　a
man　according　to　her　own　desire？　It　was　not　for　her　to　create；
but　to　recognize　a　man　created　by　God。　The　man　should　e　from
the　Infinite　and　she　should　hail　him。　She　was　glad　she　could　not
create　her　man。　She　was　glad　she　had　nothing　to　do　with　his
creation。　She　was　glad　that　this　lay　within　the　scope　of　that
vaster　power　in　which　she　rested　at　last。　The　man　would　e　out
of　Eternity　to　which　she　herself　belonged。

As　she　grew　better；　she　sat　to　watch　a　new　creation。　As　she
sat　at　her　window；　she　saw　the　people　go　by　in　the　street　below；
colliers；　women；　children；　walking　each　in　the　husk　of　an　old
fruition；　but　visible　through　the　husk；　the　swelling　and　the
heaving　contour　of　the　new　germination。　In　the　still；　silenced
forms　of　the　colliers　she　saw　a　sort　of　suspense；　a　waiting　in
pain　for　the　new　liberation；　she　saw　the　same　in　the　false　hard
confidence　of　the　women。　The　confidence　of　the　women　was
brittle。　It　would　break　quickly　to　reveal　the　strength　and
patient　effort　of　the　new　germination。

In　everything　she　saw　she　grasped　and　groped　to　find　the
creation　of　the　living　God；　instead　of　the　old；　hard　barren　form
of　bygone　living。　Sometimes　great　terror　possessed　her。
Sometimes　she　lost　touch；　she　lost　her　feeling；　she　could　only
know　the　old　horror　of　the　husk　which　bound　in　her　and　all
mankind。　They　were　all　in　prison；　they　were　all　going　mad。

She　saw　the　stiffened　bodies　of　the　colliers；　which　seemed
already　enclosed　in　a　coffin；　she　saw　their　unchanging　eyes；　the
eyes　of　those　who　are　buried　alive：　she　saw　the　hard；　cutting
edges　of　the　new　houses；　which　seemed　to　spread　over　the
hillside　in　their　insentient　triumph；　the　triumph　of　horrible；
amorphous　angles　and　straight　lines；　the　expression　of
corruption　triumphant　and　unopposed；　corruption　so　pure　that　it
is　hard　and　brittle：　she　saw　the　dun　atmosphere　over　the
blackened　hills　opposite；　the　dark　blotches　of　houses；　slate
roofed　and　amorphous；　the　old　church…tower　standing　up　in
hideous　obsoleteness　above　raw　new　houses　on　the　crest　of　the
hill；　the　amorphous；　brittle；　hard　edged　new　houses　advancing
from　Beldover　to　meet　the　corrupt　new　houses　from　Lethley；　the
houses　of　Lethley　advancing　to　mix　with　the　houses　of　Hainor；　a
dry；　brittle；　terrible　corruption　spreading　over　the　face　of　the
land；　and　she　was　sick　with　a　nausea　so　deep　that　she　perished
as　she　sat。　And　then；　in　the　blowing　clouds；　she　saw　a　band　of
faint　iridescence　colouring　in　faint　colours　a　portion　of　the
hill。　And　forgetting；　startled；　she　looked　for　the　hovering
colour　and　saw　a　rainbow　forming　itself。　In　one　place　it　gleamed
fiercely；　and；　her　heart　anguished　with　hope；　she　sought　the
shadow　of　iris　where　the　bow　should　be。　Steadily　the　colour
gathered；　mysteriously；　from　nowhere；　it　took　presence　upon
itself；　there　was　a　faint；　vast　rainbow。　The　arc　bended　and
strengthened　itself　till　it　arched　indomitable；　making　great
architecture　of　light　and　colour　and　the　space　of　heaven；　its
pedestals　luminous　in　the　corruption　of　new　houses　on　the　low
hill；　its　arch　the　top　of　heaven。

And　the　rainbow　stood　on　the　earth。　She　knew　that　the　sordid
people　who　crept　hard…scaled　and　separate　on　the　face　of　the
world's　corruption　were　living　still；　that　the　rainbow　was
arched　in　their　blood　and　would　quiver　to　life　in　their　spirit；
that　they　would　cast　off　their　horny　covering　of　disintegration；
that　new；　clean；　naked　bodies　would　issue