The Rainbow-虹(英文版)-第107章

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〃And　you'll　feel　so　righteous；　governing　them　for　their　own
good。　Who　are　you；　to　feel　righteous？　What　are　you　righteous
about；　in　your　governing？　Your　governing　stinks。　What　do　you
govern　for；　but　to　make　things　there　as　dead　and　mean　as　they
are　here！〃

〃I　don't　feel　righteous　in　the　least；〃　he　said。

〃Then　what　do　you　feel？　It's　all　such　a　nothingness；
what　you　feel　and　what　you　don't　feel。〃

〃What　do　you　feel　yourself？〃　he　said。　〃Aren't　you　righteous
in　your　own　mind？〃

〃Yes；　I　am；　because　I'm　against　you；　and　all　your　old；　dead
things；〃　she　cried。

She　seemed；　with　the　last　words；　uttered　in　hard　knowledge；
to　strike　down　the　flag　that　he　kept　flying。　He　felt　cut　off　at
the　knees；　a　figure　made　worthless。　A　horrible　sickness　gripped
him；　as　if　his　legs　were　really　cut　away；　and　he　could　not　move；
but　remained　a　crippled　trunk；　dependent；　worthless。　The　ghastly
sense　of　helplessness；　as　if　he　were　a　mere　figure　that　did　not
exist　vitally；　made　him　mad；　beside　himself。

Now；　even　whilst　he　was　with　her；　this　death　of　himself　came
over　him；　when　he　walked　about　like　a　body　from　which　all
individual　life　is　gone。　In　this　state　he　neither　heard　nor　saw
nor　felt；　only　the　mechanism　of　his　life　continued。

He　hated　her；　as　far　as；　in　this　state；　he　could　hate。　His
cunning　suggested　to　him　all　the　ways　of　making　her　esteem　him。
For　she　did　not　esteem　him。　He　left　her　and　did　not　write　to
her。　He　flirted　with　other　women；　with　Gudrun。

This　last　made　her　very　fierce。　She　was　still　fiercely
jealous　of　his　body。　In　passionate　anger　she　upbraided　him
because；　not　being　man　enough　to　satisfy　one　woman；　he　hung
round　others。

＇〃Don't　I　satisfy　you？〃　he　asked　of　her；　again　going　white　to　the　throat。

〃No；〃　she　said。　〃You've　never　satisfied　me　since　the　first　week　in　London。
You　never　satisfy　me　now。　What　does　it　mean　to　me；　your　having　me……〃＇
She　lifted　her　shoulders　and　turned　aside　her　face　in　a　motion　of　cold；
indifferent　worthlessness。　　He　felt　he　would　kill　her。

When　she　had　roused　him　to　a　pitch　of　madness；　when　she　saw
his　eyes　all　dark　and　mad　with　suffering；　then　a　great　suffering
overcame　her　soul；　a　great；　inconquerable　suffering。　And　she
loved　him。　For；　oh；　she　wanted　to　love　him。　Stronger　than　life
or　death　was　her　craving　to　be　able　to　love　him。

And　at　such　moments；　when　he　was　made　with　her　destroying
him；　when　all　his　placency　was　destroyed；　all　his　everyday
self　was　broken；　and　only　the　stripped；　rudimentary；　primal　man
remained；　demented　with　torture；　her　passion　to　love　him　became
love；　she　took　him　again；　they　came　together　in　an　overwhelming
passion；　in　which　he　knew　he　satisfied　her。

But　it　all　contained　a　developing　germ　of　death。　After　each
contact；　her　anguished　desire　for　him　or　for　that　which　she
never　had　from　him　was　stronger；　her　love　was　more　hopeless。
After　each　contact　his　mad　dependence　on　her　was　deepened；　his
hope　of　standing　strong　and　taking　her　in　his　own　strength　was
weakened。　He　felt　himself　a　mere　attribute　of　her。

Whitsuntide　came；　just　before　her　examination。　She　was　to
have　a　few　days　of　rest。　Dorothy　had　inherited　her　patrimony；
and　had　taken　a　cottage　in　Sussex。　She　invited　them　to　stay　with
her。

They　went　down　to　Dorothy's　neat；　low　cottage　at　the　foot　of
the　downs。　Here　they　could　do　as　they　liked。　Ursula　was　always
yearning　to　go　to　the　top　of　the　downs。　The　white　track　wound　up
to　the　rounded　summit。　And　she　must　go。

Up　there；　she　could　see　the　Channel　a　few　miles　away；　the　sea
raised　up　and　faintly　glittering　in　the　sky；　the　Isle　of　Wight　a
shadow　lifted　in　the　far　distance；　the　river　winding　bright
through　the　patterned　plain　to　seaward；　Arundel　Castle　a　shadowy
bulk；　and　then　the　rolling　of　the　high；　smooth　downs；　making　a
high；　smooth　land　under　heaven；　acknowledging　only　the　heavens
in　their　great；　sun…glowing　strength；　and　suffering　only　a　few
bushes　to　trespass　on　the　intercourse　between　their　great；
unabateable　body　and　the　changeful　body　of　the　sky。

Below　she　saw　the　villages　and　the　woods　of　the　weald；　and
the　train　running　bravely；　a　gallant　little　thing；　running　with
all　the　importance　of　the　world　over　the　water　meadows　and　into
the　gap　of　the　downs；　waving　its　white　steam；　yet　all　the　while
so　little。　So　little；　yet　its　courage　carried　it　from　end　to　end
of　the　earth；　till　there　was　no　place　where　it　did　not　go。　Yet
the　downs；　in　magnificent　indifference；　bearing　limbs　and　body
to　the　sun；　drinking　sunshine　and　sea…wind　and　sea…wet　cloud
into　its　golden　skin；　with　superb　stillness　and　calm　of　being；
was　not　the　downs　still　more　wonderful？　The　blind；　pathetic；
energetic　courage　of　the　train　as　it　steamed　tinily　away　through
the　patterned　levels　to　the　sea's　dimness；　so　fast　and　so
energetic；　made　her　weep。　Where　was　it　going？　It　was　going
nowhere；　it　was　just　going。　So　blind；　so　without　goal　or　aim；
yet　so　hasty！　She　sat　on　an　old　prehistoric　earth…work　and
cried；　and　the　tears　ran　down　her　face。　The　train　had　tunnelled
all　the　earth；　blindly；　and　uglily。

And　she　lay　face　downwards　on　the　downs；　that　were　so　strong；
that　cared　only　for　their　intercourse　with　the　everlasting
skies；　and　she　wished　she　could　bee　a　strong　mound　smooth
under　the　sky；　bosom　and　limbs　bared　to　all　winds　and　clouds　and
bursts　of　sunshine。

But　she　must　get　up　again　and　look　down　from　her　foothold　of
sunshine；　down　and　away　at　the　patterned；　level　earth；　with　its
villages　and　its　smoke　and　its　energy。　So　shortsighted　the　train
seemed；　running　to　the　distance；　so　terrifying　in　their
littleness　the　villages；　with　such　pettiness　in　their
activity。

Skrebensky　wandered　dazed；　not　knowing　where　he　was　or　what
he　was　doing　with　her。　All　her　passion　seemed　to　be　to　wander　up
there　on　the　downs；　and　when　she　must　descend　to　earth；　she　was
heavy。　Up　there　she　was　exhilarated　and　free。

She　would　not　love　him　in　a　house　any　more。　She　said　she
hated　houses；　and　particularly　she　hated　beds。　There　was
something　distasteful　in　his　ing　to　her　bed。

She　would　stay　the　night　on　the　downs；　up　there；　he　with　her。
It　was　midsummer；　the　days　were　glamorously　long。　At　about
half…past　ten；　when　the　bluey…black　darkness　had　at　last　fallen；
they　took　rugs　and　climbed　the　steep　track　to　the　summit　of　the
downs；　he　and　she。

Up　there；　the　stars　were　big；　the　earth　below　was　gone　into
darkness。　She　was　free　up　there　with　the　stars。　Far　out　they　saw
tiny　yellow　lights……but　it　was　very　far　out；　at　sea；　or　on
land。　She　was　free　up　among　the　stars。

She　took　off　her　clothes；　and　made　him　take　off　all　his；　and
they　ran　over　the　smooth；　moonless　turf；　a　long　way；　more　than　a
mile　from　where　they　had　left　their　clothing；　running　in　the
dark；　soft　wind；　utterly　naked；　as　naked　as　the　downs
themselves。　Her　hair　was　loose　and　blew　about　her　shoulders；　she
ran　swiftly；　wearing　sandals　when　she　set　off　on　the　long　run　to
the　dew…pond。

In　the　round　dew…pond　the　stars　were　untroubled。　She　ventured
softly　into　the　water；　grasping　at　the　stars　with　her　hands。

And　then　suddenly　she　started　back；　running　swiftly。　He　was
there；　beside　her；　but　only　on　sufferance。　He　was　a　screen　for
her　fears。　He　served　her。　She　took　him；　she　clasped　him；
clenched　him　close；　but　her　eyes　were　open　looking　at　the　stars；
it　was　as　if　the　stars　were　lying　with　her　and　entering　the
unfathomable　darkness　of　her　womb；　fathoming　her　at　last。　It　was
not　him。

The　dawn　came。　They　stood　together　on　a　high　place；　an
earthwork　of　the　stone…age　men；　watching　for　the　light。　It　came
over　the　land。　But　the　land　was　dark。　She　watched　a　pale　rim　on
the　sky；　away　against　the　darkened　land。　The　darkness　became
bluer。　A　little　wind　was　running　in　from　the　sea　behind。　It
seemed　to　be　running　to　the　pale　rift　of　the　dawn。　And　she　and
he　darkly；　on　an　outpost　of　the　darkness；　stood　watching　for　the
dawn。

The　light　grew　stronger；　gushing　up　against　the　dark　sapphire
of　the　transparent　night。　The　light　grew　stronger；　whiter；　then
over　it　hovered　a　flush　of　rose。　A　flush　of　rose；　and　then
yellow；　pale；　new…created　yellow；　the　whole　quivering　and
poising　momentarily　over　the　fountain　on　the　sky's　rim。

The　rose　hovered　and　quivered；　burned；　fused　to　flame；　to　a
transient　red；　while　the　yellow　urged　out　in　great　waves；　thrown
from　the　ever…increasing　fountain；　great　waves　of　yellow
flinging　into　the　sky；　scattering　its　spray　over　the　darkness；
which　became　bluer　and　bluer；　paler；　till　soon　it　would　itself
be　a　radiance；　which　had　been　darkness。

The　sun　was　ing。　There　was　a　quivering；　a　powerful
terrifying　swim　of　molten　light。　Then　the　molten　source　itself
surged　forth；　revealing　itself。　The　sun　was　in　the　sky；　too
powerful　to　look　at。

And　the　ground　beneath　lay　so　still；　so　peaceful。　Only　now
and　again　a　cock　crew。　Otherwise；　from　the　distant　yellow　hills
to　the　pine　trees　at　the　foot　of　the　downs；　everything　was　newly
washed　into　being；　in　a　flood　of　new；　golden　creation。

It　was　so　unutterably　still　and　perfect　with　promise；　the
golden…lighted；　distinct　land；　that　Ursula's　soul　rocked　and
wept。　Suddenly　he　glanced　at　her。　The　tears　were　running　over
her　cheeks；　her　mouth　was　working　strangely。

〃