The Rainbow-虹(英文版)-第102章

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forces　unified；　and　for　what　purpose　were　they　unified？

For　what　purpose　were　the　incalculable　physical　and　chemical
activities　nodalized　in　this　shadowy；　moving　speck　under　her
microscope？　What　was　the　will　which　nodalized　them　and　created
the　one　thing　she　saw？　What　was　its　intention？　To　be　itself？　Was
its　purpose　just　mechanical　and　limited　to　itself？

It　intended　to　be　itself。　But　what　self？　Suddenly　in　her　mind
the　world　gleamed　strangely；　with　an　intense　light；　like　the
nucleus　of　the　creature　under　the　microscope。　Suddenly　she　had
passed　away　into　an　intensely…gleaming　light　of　knowledge。　She
could　not　understand　what　it　all　was。　She　only　knew　that　it　was
not　limited　mechanical　energy；　nor　mere　purpose　of
self…preservation　and　self…assertion。　It　was　a　consummation；　a
being　infinite。　Self　was　a　oneness　with　the　infinite。　To　be
oneself　was　a　supreme；　gleaming　triumph　of　infinity。

Ursula　sat　abstracted　over　her　microscope；　in　suspense。　Her
soul　was　busy；　infinitely　busy；　in　the　new　world。　In　the　new
world；　Skrebensky　was　waiting　for　her……he　would　be　waiting
for　her。　She　could　not　go　yet；　because　her　soul　was　engaged。
Soon　she　would　go。

A　stillness；　like　passing　away；　took　hold　of　her。　Far　off；
down　the　corridors；　she　heard　the　gong　booming　five　o'clock。　She
must　go。　Yet　she　sat　still。

The　other　students　were　pushing　back　their　stools　and　putting
their　microscopes　away。　Everything　broke　into　turmoil。　She　saw；
through　the　window；　students　going　down　the　steps；　with　books
under　their　arms；　talking；　all　talking。

A　great　craving　to　depart　came　upon　her。　She　wanted　also　to
be　gone。　She　was　in　dread　of　the　material　world；　and　in　dread　of
her　own　transfiguration。　She　wanted　to　run　to　meet
Skrebensky……the　new　life；　the　reality。

Very　rapidly　she　wiped　her　slides　and　put　them　back；　cleared
her　place　at　the　bench；　active；　active；　active。　She　wanted　to
run　to　meet　Skrebensky；　hasten……hasten。　She　did　not　know
what　she　was　to　meet。　But　it　would　be　a　new　beginning。　She　must
hurry。

She　flitted　down　the　corridor　on　swift　feet；　her　razor　and
note…books　and　pencil　in　one　hand；　her　pinafore　over　her　arm。
Her　face　was　lifted　and　tense　with　eagerness。　He　might　not　be
there。

Issuing　from　the　corridor；　she　saw　him　at　once。　She　knew　him
at　once。　Yet　he　was　so　strange。　He　stood　with　the　curious
self…effacing　diffidence　which　so　frightened　her　in　well…bred
young　men　whom　she　knew。　He　stood　as　if　he　wished　to　be　unseen。
He　was　very　well…dressed。　She　would　not　admit　to　herself　the
chill　like　a　sunshine　of　frost　that　came　over　her。　This　was　he；
the　key；　the　nucleus　to　the　new　world。

He　saw　her　ing　swiftly　across　the　hall；　a　slim　girl　in　a
white　flannel　blouse　and　dark　skirt；　with　some　of　the
abstraction　and　gleam　of　the　unknown　upon　her；　and　he　started；
excited。　He　was　very　nervous。　Other　students　were　loitering
about　the　hall。

She　laughed；　with　a　blind；　dazzled　face；　as　she　gave　him　her
hand。　He　too　could　not　perceive　her。

In　a　moment　she　was　gone；　to　get　her　outdoor　things。　Then
again；　as　when　she　had　been　at　school；　they　walked　out　into　the
town　to　tea。　And　they　went　to　the　same　tea…shop。

She　knew　a　great　difference　in　him。　The　kinship　was　there；
the　old　kinship；　but　he　had　belonged　to　a　different　world　from
hers。　It　was　as　if　they　had　cried　a　state　of　truce　between　him
and　her；　and　in　this　truce　they　had　met。　She　knew；　vaguely；　in
the　first　minute；　that　they　were　enemies　e　together　in　a
truce。　Every　movement　and　word　of　his　was　alien　to　her
being。

Yet　still　she　loved　the　fine　texture　of　his　face；　of　his
skin。　He　was　rather　browner；　physically　stronger。　He　was　a　man
now。　She　thought　his　manliness　made　the　strangeness　in　him。　When
he　was　only　a　youth；　fluid；　he　was　nearer　to　her。　She　thought　a
man　must　inevitably　set　into　this　strange　separateness；　cold
otherness　of　being。　He　talked；　but　not　to　her。　She　tried　to
speak　to　him；　but　she　could　not　reach　him。

He　seemed　so　balanced　and　sure；　he　made　such　a　confident
presence。　He　was　a　great　rider；　so　there　was　about　him　some　of　a
horseman's　sureness　and　habitual　definiteness　of　decision；　also
some　of　the　horseman's　animal　darkness。　Yet　his　soul　was　only
the　more　wavering；　vague。　He　seemed　made　up　of　a　set　of　habitual
actions　and　decisions。　The　vulnerable；　variable　quick　of　the　man
was　inaccessible。　She　knew　nothing　of　it。　She　could　only　feel
the　dark；　heavy　fixity　of　his　animal　desire。

This　dumb　desire　on　his　part　had　brought　him　to　her？　She　was
puzzled；　hurt　by　some　hopeless　fixity　in　him；　that　terrified　her
with　a　cold　feeling　of　despair。　What　did　he　want？　His　desires
were　so　underground。　Why　did　he　not　admit　himself？　What　did　he
want？　He　wanted　something　that　should　be　nameless。　She　shrank　in
fear。

Yet　she　flashed　with　excitement。　In　his　dark；　subterranean
male　soul；　he　was　kneeling　before　her；　darkly　exposing　himself。
She　quivered；　the　dark　flame　ran　over　her。　He　was　waiting　at　her
feet。　He　was　helpless；　at　her　mercy。　She　could　take　or　reject。
If　she　rejected　him；　something　would　die　in　him。　For　him　it　was
life　or　death。　And　yet；　all　must　be　kept　so　dark；　the
consciousness　must　admit　nothing。

〃How　long；〃　she　said；　〃are　you　staying　in　England？〃

〃I　am　not　sure……but　not　later　than　July；　I　believe。〃

Then　they　were　both　silent。　He　was　here；　in　England；　for　six
months。　They　had　a　space　of　six　months　between　them。　He　waited。
The　same　iron　rigidity；　as　if　the　world　were　made　of　steel；
possessed　her　again。　It　was　no　use　turning　with　flesh　and　blood
to　this　arrangement　of　forged　metal。

Quickly；　her　imagination　adjusted　itself　to　the
situation。

〃Have　you　an　appointment　in　India？〃　she　asked。

〃Yes……I　have　just　the　six　months'　leave。〃

〃Will　you　like　being　out　there？〃

〃I　think　so……there's　a　good　deal　of　social　life；　and
plenty　going　on……hunting；　polo……and　always　a　good
horse……and　plenty　of　work；　any　amount　of　work。〃

He　was　always　side…tracking；　always　side…tracking　his　own
soul。　She　could　see　him　so　well　out　there；　in　India……one　of
the　governing　class；　superimposed　upon　an　old　civilization；　lord
and　master　of　a　clumsier　civilization　than　his　own。　It　was　his
choice。　He　would　bee　again　an　aristocrat；　invested　with
authority　and　responsibility；　having　a　great　helpless　populace
beneath　him。　One　of　the　ruling　class；　his　whole　being　would　be
given　over　to　the　fulfilling　and　the　executing　of　the　better
idea　of　the　state。　And　in　India；　there　would　be　real　work　to　do。
The　country　did　need　the　civilization　which　he　himself
represented：　it　did　need　his　roads　and　bridges；　and　the
enlightenment　of　which　he　was　part。　He　would　go　to　India。　But
that　was　not　her　road。

Yet　she　loved　him；　the　body　of　him；　whatever　his　decisions
might　be。　He　seemed　to　want　something　of　her。　He　was　waiting　for
her　to　decide　of　him。　It　had　been　decided　in　her　long　ago；　when
he　had　kissed　her　first。　He　was　her　lover；　though　good　and　evil
should　cease。　Her　will　never　relaxed；　though　her　heart　and　soul
must　be　imprisoned　and　silenced。　He　waited　upon　her；　and　she
accepted　him。　For　he　had　e　back　to　her。

A　glow　came　into　his　face；　into　his　fine；　smooth　skin；　his
eyes；　gold…grey；　glowed　intimately　to　her。　He　burned　up；　he
caught　fire　and　became　splendid；　royal；　something　like　a　tiger。
She　caught　his　brilliant；　burnished　glamour。　Her　heart　and　her
soul　were　shut　away　fast　down　below；　hidden。　She　was　free　of
them。　She　was　to　have　her　satisfaction。

She　became　proud　and　erect；　like　a　flower；　putting　itself
forth　in　its　proper　strength。　His　warmth　invigorated　her。　His
beauty　of　form；　which　seemed　to　glow　out　in　contrast　with　the
rest　of　people；　made　her　proud。　It　was　like　deference　to　her；
and　made　her　feel　as　if　she　represented　before　him　all　the　grace
and　flower　of　humanity。　She　was　no　mere　Ursula　Brangwen。　She　was
Woman；　she　was　the　whole　of　Woman　in　the　human　order。
All…containing；　universal；　how　should　she　be　limited　to
individuality？

She　was　exhilarated；　she　did　not　want　to　go　away　from　him。
She　had　her　place　by　him。　Who　should　take　her　away？

They　came　out　of　the　cafe。

〃Is　there　anything　you　would　like　to　do？〃　he　said。　〃Is　there
anything　we　can　do？〃

It　was　a　dark；　windy　night　in　March。

〃There　is　nothing　to　do；〃　she　said。

Which　was　the　answer　he　wanted。

〃Let　us　walk　then……where　shall　we　walk？〃　he　asked。

〃Shall　we　go　to　the　river？〃　she　suggested；　timidly。

In　a　moment　they　were　on　the　tram；　going　down　to　Trent
Bridge。　She　was　so　glad。　The　thought　of　walking　in　the　dark；
far…reaching　water…meadows；　beside　the　full　river；　transported
her。　Dark　water　flowing　in　silence　through　the　big；　restless
night　made　her　feel　wild。

They　crossed　the　bridge；　descended；　and　went　away　from　the
lights。　In　an　instant；　in　the　darkness；　he　took　her　hand　and
they　went　in　silence；　with　subtle　feet　treading　the　darkness。
The　town　fumed　away　on　their　left；　there　were　strange　lights　and
sounds；　the　wind　rushed　against　the　trees；　and　under　the　bridge。
They　walked　close　together；　powerful　in　unison。　He　drew　her　very
close；　held　her　with　a　subtle；　stealthy；　powerful　passion；　as　if
they　had　a　secret　agreement　which　held　good　in　the　profound
darkness。　The　profound　darknes