高山上的呼喊-go tell it on the mountain-第17章

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　him　up？　For　he　knew；　as　hewas　struck　again；　and　screamed　again；　his　throat　like　burning　ashes；　and　as　he　turned　again；　hisbody　hanging　from　him　like　a　useless　weight；　a　heavy；　rotting　carcass；　that　if　he　were　not　lifted　hewould　never　rise。
　　His　father；　his　mother；　his　aunt；　Elisha—all　were　far　above　him；　waiting；　watching　historment　in　the　pit。　They　hung　over　the　golden　barrier；　singing　behind　them；　light　around　theirheads；　weeping；　perhaps；　for　John；　struck　down　so　early。　And；　no；　they　could　not　help　him　anymore—nothing　could　help　him　any　more。　He　struggled；　struggle　to　rise　up；　and　meet　them—hewanted　wings　to　fly　upward　and　meet　them　in　that　morning；　that　morning　where　they　were。　But　hisstruggles　only　thrust　him　downward；　his　cries　did　not　go　upward；　but　rang　in　his　own　skull。
　　Yet；　though　he　scarcely　saw　their　faces；　he　knew　that　they　were　there。　He　felt　them　move；every　movement　causing　a　trembling；　an　astonishment；　a　horror　in　the　heart　of　darkness　where　he　lay。　He　could　not　know　if　they　wished　him　to　e　to　them　as　passionately　as　he　wished　to　rise。
　　Perhaps　they　did　not　help　him　because　they　did　not　care—because　they　did　not　love　him。
　　Then　his　father　returned　to　him；　in　John’s　changed　and　low　condition；　and　John　thought；but　for　a　moment　only；　that　his　father　had　e　to　help　him。　In　the　silence；　then；　that　filled　thevoid；　John　looked　on　his　father。　His　father’s　face　was　black—like　a　sad；　eternal　night；　yet　in　hisfather’s　face　there　burned　a　fire—a　fire　eternal　in　an　eternal　night。　John　trembled　where　he　lay；feeling　no　warmth　from　him　from　this　fire；　tremble；　and　could　not　take　his　eyes　away。　A　wind　blewover　him；　saying：　‘Whosoever　loveth　and　maketh　a　lie。’　Only：　‘Whosoever　loveth　and　maketh　alie。’　And　he　knew　that　he　had　been　thrust　out　of　the　holy；　the　joyful；　the　blood…washed　munity；that　his　father　had　thrust　him　out。　His　father’s　will　was　stronger　than　John’s　own。　His　power　wasgreater　because　he　belonged　to　God。　Now；　John　felt　no　hatred；　nothing；　only　a　bitter；　unbelievingdespair：　all　prophecies　were　true；　salvation　was　finished；　damnation　was　real！
　　Then　Death　is　real；　John’s　soul　said；　and　Death　will　have　his　moment。
　　‘Set　thine　house　in　order；’　said　his　father；　‘for　thou　shalt　die　and　not　live。’
　　And　then　the　ironic　voice　spoke　again；　saying：　‘Get　up；　John。　Get　up；　boy。　Don’t　let　himkeep　you　here。　You　got　everything　your　daddy　got。’
　　John　tried　to　laugh—John　thought　that　he　was　laughing—but　found；　instead；　that　his　mouthwas　filled　with　salt；　his　ears　were　full　of　burning　water。　Whatever　was　happening　in　his　distantbody　now；　he　could　not　change　or　stop；　his　cheat　heaved；　his　laugher　rose　and　bubbled　at　hismouth；　like　blood。
　　And　his　father　looked　on　him。　His　father’s　eyes　looked　down　on　him；　and　John　began　toscream。　His　father’s　eyes　stripped　him　naked；　and　hated　what　they　saw。　And　as　he　turned；screaming；　in　the　dust　again；　trying　to　escape　his　father’s　eyes；　those　eyes；　that　face；　and　all　theirfaces；　and　the　far…off　yellow　light；　all　departed　from　his　vision　as　though　he　had　gone　blind。　Hewas　going　down　again。　There　is；　his　soul　cried　out　again；　no　bottom　to　the　darkness！
　　He　did　not　where　he　was。　There　was　silence　everywhere—only　a　perpetual；　distant；　fainttrembling　far　beneath　him—the　roaring　perhaps；　of　the　fires　of　Hell；　over　which　he　was　suspended；or　the　echo；　persistent；　invincible　still；　of　the　moving　feet　of　the　saints。　He　thought　of　themountain…top；　where　he　longed　to　be；　where　the　sun　would　cover　him　like　a　cloth　of　gold；　wouldcover　his　head　like　a　crown　of　fire；　and　in　his　hands　he　would　hold　a　living　rod。　But　this　was　nomountain　where　John　lay；　here；　no　robe；　no　crown。　And　the　living　rod　was　uplifted　in　other　hands。
　　‘I’m　going　to　beat　sin　out　of　him。　I’m　going　to　beat　it　out。’
　　Yes；　he　had　sinned；　and　his　father　was　looking　for　him。　Now；　John　did　not　make　a　sound；and　did　not　move　at　all；　hoping　that　his　father　would　pass　him　by。
　　‘Leave　him　be。　Leave　him　alone。　Let　him　pray　to　the　Lord。’
　　‘Yes；　Mama。　I’m　going　to　try　to　love　the　Lord。’
　　‘He　done　run　off　somewhere。　I’m　going　to　find　him。　I’m　going　to　beat　it　out。’
　　Yes；　he　had　sinned：　one　morning；　alone；　in　the　dirty　bathroom；　in　the　square；　dirt…graycupboard　room　that　was　filled　with　the　stink　of　his　father。　Sometimes；　leaning　over　the　cracked；　‘tattle…tale　gray’　bath…tub；　he　scrubbed　his　father’s　back；　and　looked；　as　the　accursed　son　of　Noahhad　looked；　on　his　father’s　hideous　nakedness。　It　was　secret；　like　sin；　and　slimy；　like　the　serpent；and　heavy；　like　the　rod。　Then　he　hated　his　father；　and　longed　for　the　power　to　cut　his　father　down。
　　Was　this　why　he　lay　here；　thrust　out　from　all　human　or　heavenly　help　to…night？　This；　andnot　the　other；　his　deadly　sin；　having　looked　on　his　father’s　nakedness　and　mocked　and　cursed　himin　his　heart？　Ah；　that　son　of　Noah’s　had　been　cursed；　down　to　the　present　groaning　generation：　Aservant　of　servants　shall　be　unto　his　brethren。
　　Then　the　ironic　voice；　terrified；　it　seemed；　of　no　depth；　no　darkness；　demanded　of　John；scornfully；　if　he　believed　that　he　was　cursed。　All　niggers　had　been　cursed；　the　ironic　voicereminded　him；　all　niggers　had　e　from　this　most　undutiful　of　Noah’s　sons。　How　could　John　becursed　for　having　seen　in　a　bath…tub　what　another　man—if　that　other　man　had　ever　lived—had　seenten　thousand　years　ago；　lying　in　an　open　tent？　Could　a　curse　e　down　so　many　ages？　Did　it　livein　time；　or　in　the　moment？　But　John　found　no　answer　for　this　voice；　for　he　was　in　the　moment；　andout　of　time。
　　And　his　father　approached。　‘I’m　going　to　beat　sin　out　of　him。　I’m　going　to　beat　it　out。’　Allthe　darkness　rocked　and　wailed　as　his　father’s　feet　came　closer；　feet　whose　tread　resounded　likeGod’s　tread　in　the　garden　of　Eden；　searching　the　covered　Adam　and　Eve。　Then　his　father　stood　justabove　him；　looking　down。　Then　John　knew　that　a　curse　was　renewed　from　moment　to　moment；from　father　to　son。　Time　was　indifferent；　like　snow　and　ice；　but　the　heart；　crazed　wanderer　in　thedriving　waste；　carried　the　curse　for　ever。
　　‘John；’　said　his　father；　‘e　with　me。’
　　Then　they　were　in　a　straight　street；　a　narrow；　narrow　way。　They　had　been　walking　for　manydays。　The　street　stretched　before　them；　long；　and　silent；　going　down；　and　whiter　than　the　snow。
　　There　was　no　one　on　the　street；　and　John　was　frightened。　The　buildings　on　this　street；　so　near　thatJohn　could　touch　them　on　either　side；　were　narrow；　also；　rising　like　spears　into　the　sky；　and　theywere　made　of　beaten　gold　and　silver。　John　knew　that　these　buildings　were　not　for　him—not　to…day—no；　nor　to…morrow；　either！　Then；　ing　up　this　straight　and　silent　street；　he　saw　a　woman；　veryold　and　black；　ing　toward　them；　staggering　on　the　crooked　stones。　She　was　drunk；　and　dirty；and　very　old；　and　her　mouth　was　bigger　than　his　mother’s　mouth；　or　his　own；　her　mouth　was　looseand　wet；　and　he　had　never　seen　anyone　so　black。　His　father　was　astonished　to　see　her；　and　besidehimself　with　anger；　but　John　was　glad。　He　clapped　his　hands；　and　cried：
　　‘See！　She’s　uglier　than　Mama！　She’s　uglier　than　me！’
　　‘You　mighty　proud；　ain’t　you；’　his　father　said；　‘to　be　the　Devil’s　son？’
　　But　John　did　no　listen　to　his　father。　He　turned　to　watch　the　woman　pass。　His　father　grabbedhis　arm。
　　“You　see　that？　That’s　sin。　That’s　what　the　Devil’s　son　runs　after。’
　　‘Whose　son　are　you？’　John　asked。
　　His　father　slapped　him。　John　laughed；　and　moved　a　little　away。
　　‘I　seen　it。　I　seen　it。　I　ain’t　the　Devil’s　son　for　nothing。’
　　　His　father　reached　for　him；　but　John　was　faster。　He　moved　backward　down　the　shiningstreet；　looking　at　his　father—his　father　who　moved　toward　him；　one　hand　outstretched　in　fury。
　　‘And　I　heard　you—all　the　night…time　long。　I　know　what　you　do　in　the　dark；　black　man；when　you　think　the　Devil’s　son’s　asleep。　I　heard　you；　spitting；　and　groaning；　and　choking—and　Iseen　you；　riding　up　and　down；　and　going　in　and　out。　I　ain’t　the　Devil’s　son　for　nothing。’
　　The　listening　buildings；　rising　upward　yet；　leaned；　closing　out　the　sky。　John’s　feet　began　toslip；　tears　and　sweat　were　in　his　eyes；　still　moving　backward　before　his　father；　he　looked　about　himfor　deliverance；　but　there　was　no　deliverance　in　this　street　for　him。
　　‘And　I　hate　you。　I　hate　you。　I　don’t　care　about　your　golden　crown。　I　don’t　care　about　yourlong　white　robe。　I　seen　you　under　the　robe；　I　seen　you！’
　　Then　his　father　was　upon　him；　at　his　touch　there　was　singing；　and　fire。　John　lay　on　his　backin　the　narrow　street；　looking　up　at　his　father；　that　burning　face　beneath　the　burning　towers。
　　‘I’m　going　to　beat　it　out　of　you。　I’m　going　to　beat　it　out。’
　　His　father　raised　his　hand。　The　knife　came　down。　John　rolled　away；　down　the　white；descending　street；　screaming：
　　Father！　Father！
　　These　were　the　first　words　he　uttered。　In　a　moment　there　was　silence；　and　his　father　wasgone。　Again；　he　felt　the　saints　above　him—and　dust　in　his　mouth。　There　was　singing　somewhere；faraway；abovehim；singingslowandmourn（was）　ful。　He　lay　silent；　racked　beyondendurance；　salt　drying　on　his　face；　with　nothing　in　him　any　more；　no　lust；　no　fear；　no　shame；　nohope。　And　yet　he　knew　that　it　would