高山上的呼喊-go tell it on the mountain-第13章
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could see； her life awaited her。
The woman on the bed was old； her life was fading as the mist rose。 She thought of her mother asalready in the grave； and she would not let herself be strangled by the hands of the dead。
‘I’m going； Ma；’ she said。 ‘I got to go。’
Her mother leaned back； face upward to the light and began to cry。 Gabriel moved toFlorence’s side and grabbed her arm。 She looked up into his face and saw that his eyes were full oftears。
‘You can’t go；’ he said。 ‘You can’t go。 You can’t go and leave your mother thisaway。 Sheneed a woman； Florence； to help look after her。 What she going to do here； all alone with me？’
She pushed him from her and moved to stand over her mother’s bed。
‘Ma；’ she said； ‘don’t be like that。 Ain’t a thing can happen to me up North can’t happen tome here。 God’s everywhere； Ma。 Ain’t no need to worry。’
She knew that she was mouthing words； and she realized suddenly that her mother scornedto dignify these words with her attention。 She had granted Florence the victory—with apromptness that had the effect of making Florence； however dimly and unwillingly； wonder if hervictory was real。 She was not weeping for her daughter’s future； she was weeping for the past； andweeping in an anguish in which Florence had no part。 And all of this filled Florence with terriblefear； which； which was immediately transformed into anger。 ‘Gabriel can take care of you；’ shesaid； her voice shaking with malice。 ‘Gabriel ain’t never going to leave you。 Is you； boy？’ and shelooked at him。 He stood； stupid with bewilderment and grief； a few inches from the bed。 ‘But me；’
she said； ‘I got to go。’ She walked to the center of the room again； and picked up her bag。
‘Girl；’ Gabriel whispered； ‘ain’t you got feelings at all？’
‘Lord！’ her mother cried； and at the sound her heart turned over； she and Gabriel； arrested；stared at the bed。 ‘Lord； Lord； Lord！ Lord； have mercy on my sinful daughter！ Stretch out yourhand and hold her back from the lake that burns forever！ Oh； my Lord； my Lord！’ and her voicedropped； and broke； and tears ran down her face。 ‘Lord； I done my best with all the children whatyou give me。 Lord； have mercy on my children； and my children’s children。’
‘Florence；’ said Gabriel； ‘please don’t go。 You ain’t really fixing to go and leave her likethis？’
Tears stood suddenly in her own eyes； though she could not have said what she was cryingfor。 ‘Leave me be；’ she said to Gabriel； and picked up her bag again。 She opened the door； thecold； morning air came in。 ‘Good…bye。’ she said。 And then to Gabriel： ‘Tell her I said good…bye。’
She walked through the cabin door and down the short steps into the frosty yard。 Gabriel watchedher； standing frozen between the door and the weeping bed。 Then； as her hand was on the gate； heran before her； and slammed the gate shut。
‘Girl； where you going？ What you doing？ You reckon on finding some men up North todress you in pearls and diamonds？’
Violently； she opened the gate and moved out into the road。 He watched her with his jawhanging； and his lips loose and wet。 ‘If you ever see me again；’ she said； ‘I won’t be wearing ragslike yours。’
All over the church there was only the sound； more awful than the deepest silence； of the prayersof the saints of God。 Only the yellow； moaning light shone above them； making their faces gleamlike muddy gold。 Their faces； and their attitudes； and their many voices rising as one voice madeJohn think of the deepest valley； the longest night； of Peter and Paul in the dungeon cell； onepraying while the other sang； or of endless； depthless； swelling water； and no dry land in sight； thetrue believer clinging to a spar。 And； thinking of to…morrow； when the church would rise up；singing； under the booming Sunday light； he thought of the light for which they tarried； which； inan instant； filled the soul； causing （throughout those iron…dark； unimaginable ages before John hade into the world） the new…born in Christ to testify： Once I was blind and now I see。
And then they sang： ‘Walk in the light； the beautiful light。 Shine all around me by day andby night； Jesus； the light of the world。’ And they sang： ‘Oh； Lord； Lord； I want to be ready； I wantto be ready。 I want to be ready to walk in Jerusalem just like John。’
To walk in Jerusalem just like John。 To…night； his mind was awash with visions： nothingremained。 He was ill with doubt and searching。 He longed for a light that would teach him； foreverand forever； and beyond all question； the way to go； for a power that would bind him； forever andforever； and beyond all crying； to the love of God。 Or else he wished to stand up now； and leavethis tabernacle and never see these people any more。 Fury and anguish filled him； unbearable；unanswerable； his mind was stretched to breaking。 For it was time that filled his mind； time thatwas violent with the mysterious love of God。 And his mind could not contain the terrible stretch oftime that united twelve men fishing by the shores of Galilee； and black men weeping on theirknees to…night； and he； a witness。
My soul is a witness for my Lord。 There was an awful silence at the bottom of John’s mind；a dreadful weight； a dreadful speculation。 And not even a speculation； but a deep； deep turning； asof something huge； black； shapeless； for ages dead on the ocean floor； that now felt its restdisturbed by a faint； far wind； which bid it： ‘Arise。’ And this weight began to move at the bottomof John’s mind； in a silence like the silence of the void before creation； and he began to feel aterror he had never felt before。
And he looked around the church； at the people praying there。 Praying Mother Washingtonhad not e in until all the saints were on their knees； and now she stood； the terrible； old； black ；above his Aunt Florence； helping her to pray。 Her granddaughter； Ella Mae； had e in with her；wearing a mangy fur jacket over her everyday clothes。 She knelt heavily in a corner near the piano；under the sign that spoke of the wage of sin； and now and again she moaned。 Elisha had not lookedup when she came in； and he prayed in silence： sweat stood on his brow。 Sister McCandless andSister Price cried out every now and again： ‘Yes； Lord！’ or： ‘Bless your name； Jesus！’ And hisfather prayed； his head lifted up and his voice going on like a distant mountain stream。
But his Aunt Florence was silent； he wondered if she slept。 He had never seen her prayingin a church before。 He knew that different people prayed in different ways： has his aunt alwaysprayed in such a silence？ His mother； too； was silent； but he had seen her pray before； and hersilence made him feel that she was weeping。 And why did she weep？ And why did they e here；night after night； calling out to a God who cared nothing for them—if； above this flaking ceiling；there was any God at all？ Then he remembered that the fool has said in his heart； There is no God—and he dropped his eyes； seeing that over his Aunt Florence’s head Praying Mother Washingtonwas looking at him。
Frank sang the blues； and he drunk too much。 His skin was the color of caramel candy。 Perhaps forthis reason she always thought of him as having candy in his mouth； candy staining the edges ofhis straight； cruel teeth。 For a while he wore a tiny mustache； but she made him shave it off； for itmade him look； she thought； like a half…breed gigolo。 In details such as this he was always veryeasy—he would always put on a clean shirt； or get his hair cut； or e with her to Uplift meetingswhere they heard speeches by prominent Negroes about the future and duties of the Negro race。
And this had given her； in the beginning of their marriage； the impression that she controlled him。
This impression had been entirely and disastrously false。
When he had left her； more than twenty years before； and after more than ten years ofmarriage； she had felt for that moment only an exhausted exasperation and a vast relief。 He had notbeen home for two days and three nights； and when he did return they quarreled with more thantheir usual bitterness。 All of the rage she had accumulated during their marriage was told him inthat evening as they stood in their small kitchen。 He was still wearing overalls； and he had notshaved； and his face was muddy with sweat and dirt。 He had said nothing for a long while； andthen he had said： ‘All right； baby。 I guess you don’t never want to see me no more； not a miserable；black sinner like me。’ The door closed behind him； and she heard his feet echoing down the longhall； away。 She stood alone in the kitchen； holding the empty coffee…pot that she had been about towash。 She thought： ‘He’ll e back； and he’ll e back drunk。’ And then she had thought；looking about the kitchen： ‘Lord； wouldn’t it be a blessing if he didn’t never e back no more。’
The Lord had given her what she said she wanted； as was often； she had found； His bewilderingmethod of answering prayer。 Frank never did e back。 He lived for a long while with anotherwoman； and when the war came he died in France。
Now； somewhere at the other end of the earth； her husband lay buried。 He slept in a landhis
