little dorrit-信丽(英文版)-第183章

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before　them；　and　I　was　going　round　and　round　in　a　vortex。　I　got　out　of
it。　I　struggled；　and　got　out　of　it。　If　it　was　the　last　word　I　had　to
speak；　against　that　vortex　with　my　utmost　powers　I　strove；　and　out　of　it
I　came。　I　argued　that　if　I　had　been　rude；　apologies　was　due；　and　those
apologies　eaning；　I　did　make。　And　now；　when
I've　been　so　wishful　to　show　that　one　thought　is　next　to　being　a　holy
one　with　me　and　goes　before　all　others……now；　after　all；　you　dodge　me
when　I　ever　so　gently　hint　at　it；　and　throw　me　back　upon　myself。　For；　do
not；　sir；'　said　Young　John；　'do　not　be　so　base　as　to　deny　that　dodge　you
do；　and　thrown　me　back　upon　myself　you　have！'

All　amazement；　Arthur　gazed　at　him　like　one　lost；　only　saying；　'What　is
it？　What　do　you　mean；　John？'　But；　John；　being　in　that　state　of　mind　in
which　nothing　would　seem　to　be　more　impossible　to　a　certain　class　of
people　than　the　giving　of　an　answer；　went　ahead　blindly。

'I　hadn't；'　John　declared；　'no；　I　hadn't；　and　I　never　had　the
audaciousness　to　think；　I　am　sure；　that　all　was　anything　but　lost。　I
hadn't；　no；　why　should　I　say　I　hadn't　if　I　ever　had；　any　hope　that　it
was　possible　to　be　so　blest；　not　after　the　words　that　passed；　not　even
if　barriers　insurmountable　had　not　been　raised！　But　is　that　a　reason　why
I　am　to　have　no　memory；　why　I　am　to　have　no　thoughts；　why　I　am　to　have
no　sacred　spots；　nor　anything？'

'What　can　you　mean？'　cried　Arthur。

'It's　all　very　well　to　trample　on　it；　sir；'　John　went　on；　scouring　a
very　prairie　of　wild　words；　'if　a　person　can　make　up　his　mind　to　be
guilty　of　the　action。　It's　all　very　well　to　trample　on　it；　but　it's
there。　It　may　be　that　it　couldn't　be　trampled　upon　if　it　wasn't　there。
But　that　doesn't　make　it　gentlemanly；　that　doesn't　make　it　honourable；
that　doesn't　justify　throwing　a　person　back　upon　himself　after　he　has
struggled　and　strived　out　of　himself　like　a　butterfly。　The　world　may
sneer　at　a　turnkey；　but　he's　a　man……when　he　isn't　a　woman；　which　among
female　criminals　he's　expected　to　be。'

Ridiculous　as　the　incoherence　of　his　talk　was；　there　was　yet　a
truthfulness　in　Young　john's　simple；　sentimental　character；　and　a　sense
of　being　wounded　in　some　very　tender　respect；　expressed　in　his　burning
face　and　in　the　agitation　of　his　voice　and　manner；　which　Arthur　must
have　been　cruel　to　disregard。　He　turned　his　thoughts　back　to　the
starting…point　of　this　unknown　injury；　and　in　the　meantime　Young　John；
having　rolled　his　green　packet　pretty　round；　cut　it　carefully　into　three
pieces；　and　laid　it　on　a　plate　as　if　it　were　some　particular　delicacy。

'It　seems　to　me　just　possible；'　said　Arthur；　when　he　had　retraced　the
conversation　to　the　water…cresses　and　back　again；　'that　you　have　made
some　reference　to　Miss　Dorrit。'

'It　is　just　possible；　sir；'　returned　John　Chivery。

'I　don't　understand　it。　I　hope　I　may　not　be　so　unlucky　as　to　make　you
think　I　mean　to　offend　you　again；　for　I　never　have　meant　to　offend　you
yet；　when　I　say　I　don't　understand　it。'

'Sir；'　said　Young　John；　'will　you　have　the　perfidy　to　deny　that　you　know
and　long　have　known　that　I　felt　towards　Miss　Dorrit；　call　it　not　the
presumption　of　love；　but　adoration　and　sacrifice？'

'Indeed；　John；　I　will　not　have　any　perfidy　if　I　know　it；　why　you　should
suspect　me　of　it　I　am　at　a　loss　to　think。　Did　you　ever　hear　from　Mrs
Chivery；　your　mother；　that　I　went　to　see　her　once？'

'No；　sir；'　returned　John；　shortly。　'Never　heard　of　such　a　thing。'

'But　I　did。　Can　you　imagine　why？'

'No；　sir；'　returned　John；　shortly。　'I　can't　imagine　why。'

'I　will　tell　you。　I　was　solicitous　to　promote　Miss　Dorrit's　happiness；
and　if　I　could　have　supposed　that　Miss　Dorrit　returned　your　affection……'

Poor　John　Chivery　turned　crimson　to　the　tips　of　his　ears。　'Miss　Dorrit
never　did；　sir。　I　wish　to　be　honourable　and　true；　so　far　as　in　my　humble
way　I　can；　and　I　would　scorn　to　pretend　for　a　moment　that　she　ever　did；
or　that　she　ever　led　me　to　believe　she　did；　no；　nor　even　that　it　was
ever　to　be　expected　in　any　cool　reason　that　she　would　or　could。　She　was
far　above　me　in　all　respects　at　all　times。　As　likewise；'　added　John；
'similarly　was　her　gen…teel　family。'　His　chivalrous　feeling　towards　all
that　belonged　to　her　made　him　so　very　respectable；　in　spite　of　his
small　stature　and　his　rather　weak　legs；　and　his　very　weak　hair；　and
his　poetical　temperament；　that　a　Goliath　might　have　sat　in　his　place
demanding　less　consideration　at　Arthur's　hands。

'You　speak；　john；'　he　said；　with　cordial　admiration；　'like　a　Man。'

'Well；　sir；'　returned　John；　brushing　his　hand　across　his　eyes；　'then　I
wish　you'd　do　the　same。'

He　was　quick　with　this　unexpected　retort；　and　it　again　made　Arthur
regard　him　with　a　wondering　expression　of　face。

'Leastways；'　said　John；　stretching　his　hand　across　the　tea…tray；　'if　too
strong　a　remark；　withdrawn！　But；　why　not；　why　not？　When　I　say　to　you；
Mr　Clennam；　take　care　of　yourself　for　some　one　else's　sake；　why　not　be
open；　though　a　turnkey？　Why　did　I　get　you　the　room　which　I　knew　you'd
like　best？　Why　did　I　carry　up　your　things？

Not　that　I　found　'em　heavy；　I　don't　mention　'em　on　that　accounts；　far
from　it。　Why　have　I　cultivated　you　in　the　manner　I　have　done　since　the
morning？　On　the　ground　of　your　own　merits？　No。　They're　very　great；　I've
no　doubt　at　all；　but　not　on　the　ground　of　them。　Another's　merits　have
had　their　weight；　and　have　had　far　more　weight　with　Me。　Then　why　not
speak　free？'

'Unaffectedly；　John；'　said　Clennam；　'you　are　so　good　a　fellow　and　I　have
so　true　a　respect　for　your　character；　that　if　I　have　appeared　to　be　less
sensible　than　I　really　am　of　the　fact　that　the　kind　services　you　have
rendered　me　to…day　are　attributable　to　my　having　been　trusted　by
Miss　Dorrit　as　her　friend……I　confess　it　to　be　a　fault；　and　I　ask　your
forgiveness。'

'Oh！　why　not；'　John　repeated　with　returning　scorn；　'why　not　speak　free！'

'I　declare　to　you；'　returned　Arthur；　'that　I　do　not　understand　you。

Look　at　me。　Consider　the　trouble　I　have　been　in。　Is　it　likely　that　I
would　wilfully　add　to　my　other　self…reproaches；　that　of　being　ungrateful
or　treacherous　to　you。　I　do　not　understand　you。'

John's　incredulous　face　slowly　softened　into　a　face　of　doubt。　He　rose；
backed　into　the　garret…window　of　the　room；　beckoned　Arthur　to　e
there；　and　stood　looking　at　him　thoughtfully。　'Mr　Clennam；　do　you　mean
to　say　that　you　don't　know？'

'What；　John？'

'Lord；'　said　Young　John；　appealing　with　a　gasp　to　the　spikes　on　the
wall。　'He　says；　What！'

Clennam　looked　at　the　spikes；　and　looked　at　John；　and　looked　at　the
spikes；　and　looked　at　John。

'He　says　What！　And　what　is　more；'　exclaimed　Young　John；　surveying　him　in
a　doleful　maze；　'he　appears　to　mean　it！　Do　you　see　this　window；　sir？'

'Of　course　I　see　this　window。'

'See　this　room？'

'Why；　of　course　I　see　this　room。'

'That　wall　opposite；　and　that　yard　down　below？　They　have　all　been
witnesses　of　it；　from　day　to　day；　from　night　to　night；　from　week　to
week；　from　month　to　month。　For　how　often　have　I　seen　Miss　Dorrit　here
when　she　has　not　seen　me！'

'Witnesses　of　what？'　said　Clennam。

'Of　Miss　Dorrit's　love。'

'For　whom？'

'You；'　said　John。　And　touched　him　with　the　back　of　his　hand　upon　the
breast；　and　backed　to　his　chair；　and　sat　down　on　it　with　a　pale　face；
holding　the　arms；　and　shaking　his　head　at　him。

If　he　had　dealt　Clennam　a　heavy　blow；　instead　of　laying　that　light　touch
upon　him；　its　effect　could　not　have　been　to　shake　him　more。　He　stood
amazed；　his　eyes　looking　at　John；　his　lips　parted；　and　seeming　now　and
then　to　form　the　word　'Me！'　without　uttering　it；　his　hands　dropped　at
his　sides；　his　whole　appearance　that　of　a　man　who　has　been　awakened　from
sleep；　and　stupefied　by　intelligence　beyond　his　full　prehension。

'Me！'　he　at　length　said　aloud。

'Ah！'　groaned　Young　John。　'You！'

He　did　what　he　could　to　muster　a　smile；　and　returned；　'Your　fancy。　You
are　pletely　mistaken。'

'I　mistaken；　sir！'　said　Young　John。　'_I_　pletely　mistaken　on　that
subject！　No；　Mr　Clennam；　don't　tell　me　so。　On　any　other；　if　you　like；
for　I　don't　set　up　to　be　a　perating　character；　and　am　well　aware　of
my　own　deficiencies。　But；　_I_　mistaken　on　a　point　that　has　caused　me
more　smart　in　my　breast　than　a　flight　of　savages'　arrows　could　have
done！　_I_　mistaken　on　a　point　that　almost　sent　me　into　my　grave；　as
I　sometimes　wished　it　would；　if　the　grave　could　only　have　been　made
patible　with　the　tobacco…business　and　father　and　mother's　feelings！　I
mistaken　on　a　point　that；　even　at　the　present　moment；　makes　me　take　out
my　pocket…handkercher　like　a　great　girl；　as　people　say：　though　I　am　sure
I　don't　know　why　a　great　girl　should　be　a　term　of　reproach；　for　every
rightly　constituted　male　mind　loves　'em　great　and　small。　Don't　tell　me
so；　don't　tell　me　so！'

Still　highly　respectable　at　bottom；　though　absurd　enough　upon　the
surface；　Young　John　took　out　his　pocket…handkerchief　with　a　genuine
absence　both　of　display　and　concealment；　which　is　only　to　be　seen　in
a　man　with　a　great　deal　of　good　in　him；　when　he　takes　out　his
pocket…handkerchief　for　the　purpose　of　wiping　his　eyes。　Having　dried
them；　and　indulged　in　the　harmless　luxury　of　a　sob　and　a　sniff；　he　put
it　up　again。

The　t