little dorrit-信丽(英文版)-第167章

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as　well　as　on　the　failure　of　all　his　efforts　to　trace　the　suspicious
character　who　was　lost；　he　returned　to　London　and　to　England　by　the
packet　that　had　taken　him　over。　On　the　way　he　unfolded　the　sheets　of
paper；　and　read　in　them　what　is　reproduced　in　the　next　chapter。




CHAPTER　21。　The　History　of　a　Self…Tormentor


I　have　the　misfortune　of　not　being　a　fool。　From　a　very　early　age　I　have
detected　what　those　about　me　thought　they　hid　from　me。　If　I　could　have
been　habitually　imposed　upon；　instead　of　habitually　discerning　the
truth；　I　might　have　lived　as　smoothly　as　most　fools　do。

My　childhood　was　passed　with　a　grandmother；　that　is　to　say；　with　a　lady
who　represented　that　relative　to　me；　and　who　took　that　title　on　herself。
She　had　no　claim　to　it；　but　I……being　to　that　extent　a　little　fool……had
no　suspicion　of　her。　She　had　some　children　of　her　own　family　in　her
house；　and　some　children　of　other　people。　All　girls；　ten　in　number；
including　me。　We　all　lived　together　and　were　educated　together。

I　must　have　been　about　twelve　years　old　when　I　began　to　see　how
determinedly　those　girls　patronised　me。　I　was　told　I　was　an　orphan。
There　was　no　other　orphan　among　us；　and　I　perceived　（here　was　the
first　disadvantage　of　not　being　a　fool）　that　they　conciliated　me　in　an
insolent　pity；　and　in　a　sense　of　superiority。　I　did　not　set　this　down
as　a　discovery；　rashly。　I　tried　them　often。　I　could　hardly　make　them
quarrel　with　me。　When　I　succeeded　with　any　of　them；　they　were　sure　to
e　after　an　hour　or　two；　and　begin　a　reconciliation。　I　tried　them　over
and　over　again；　and　I　never　knew　them　wait　for　me　to　begin。　They　were
always　forgiving　me；　in　their　vanity　and　condescension。　Little　images　of
grown　people！

One　of　them　was　my　chosen　friend。　I　loved　that　stupid　mite　in　a
passionate　way　that　she　could　no　more　deserve　than　I　can　remember
without　feeling　ashamed　of；　though　I　was　but　a　child。　She　had　what　they
called　an　amiable　temper；　an　affectionate　temper。　She　could　distribute；
and　did　distribute　pretty　looks　and　smiles　to　every　one　among　them。　I
believe　there　was　not　a　soul　in　the　place；　except　myself；　who　knew　that
she　did　it　purposely　to　wound　and　gall　me！

Nevertheless；　I　so　loved　that　unworthy　girl　that　my　life　was　made　stormy
by　my　fondness　for　her。　I　was　constantly　lectured　and　disgraced　for　what
was　called　'trying　her；'　in　other　words　charging　her　with　her　little
perfidy　and　throwing　her　into　tears　by　showing　her　that　I　read　her
heart。　However；　I　loved　her　faithfully；　and　one　time　I　went　home　with
her　for　the　holidays。

She　was　worse　at　home　than　she　had　been　at　school。　She　had　a　crowd　of
cousins　and　acquaintances；　and　we　had　dances　at　her　house；　and　went　out
to　dances　at　other　houses；　and；　both　at　home　and　out；　she　tormented　my
love　beyond　endurance。　Her　plan　was；　to　make　them　all　fond　of　her……and
so　drive　me　wild　with　jealousy。　To　be　familiar　and　endearing　with　them
all……and　so　make　me　mad　with　envying　them。　When　we　were　left　alone　in
our　bedroom　at　night；　I　would　reproach　her　with　my　perfect　knowledge　of
her　baseness；　and　then　she　would　cry　and　cry　and　say　I　was　cruel；　and
then　I　would　hold　her　in　my　arms　till　morning：　loving　her　as　much　as
ever；　and　often　feeling　as　if；　rather　than　suffer　so；　I　could　so　hold
her　in　my　arms　and　plunge　to　the　bottom　of　a　river……where　I　would　still
hold　her　after　we　were　both　dead。

It　came　to　an　end；　and　I　was　relieved。　In　the　family　there　was　an　aunt
who　was　not　fond　of　me。　I　doubt　if　any　of　the　family　liked　me　much；　but
I　never　wanted　them　to　like　me；　being　altogether　bound　up　in　the　one
girl。　The　aunt　was　a　young　woman；　and　she　had　a　serious　way　with　her
eyes　of　watching　me。　She　was　an　audacious　woman；　and　openly　looked
passionately　at　me。　After　one　of　the　nights　that　I　have　spoken　of；　I
came　down　into　a　greenhouse　before　breakfast。　Charlotte　（the　name　of
my　false　young　friend）　had　gone　down　before　me；　and　I　heard　this　aunt
speaking　to　her　about　me　as　I　entered。　I　stopped　where　I　was；　among　the
leaves；　and　listened。

The　aunt　said；　'Charlotte；　Miss　Wade　is　wearing　you　to　death；　and　this
must　not　continue。'　I　repeat　the　very　words　I　heard。

Now；　what　did　she　answer？　Did　she　say；　'It　is　I　who　am　wearing　her　to
death；　I　who　am　keeping　her　on　a　rack　and　am　the　executioner；　yet　she
tells　me　every　night　that　she　loves　me　devotedly；　though　she　knows　what
I　make　her　undergo？'　No；　my　first　memorable　experience　was　true　to
what　I　knew　her　to　be；　and　to　all　my　experience。　She　began　sobbing　and
weeping　（to　secure　the　aunt's　sympathy　to　herself）；　and　said；　'Dear
aunt；　she　has　an　unhappy　temper；　other　girls　at　school；　besides　I；　try
hard　to　make　it　better；　we　all　try　hard。'

Upon　that　the　aunt　fondled　her；　as　if　she　had　said　something　noble
instead　of　despicable　and　false；　and　kept　up　the　infamous　pretence　by
replying；　'But　there　are　reasonable　limits；　my　dear　love；　to　everything；
and　I　see　that　this　poor　miserable　girl　causes　you　more　constant　and
useless　distress　than　even　so　good　an　effort　justifies。'

The　poor　miserable　girl　came　out　of　her　concealment；　as　you　may　be
prepared　to　hear；　and　said；　'Send　me　home。'　I　never　said　another　word
to　either　of　them；　or　to　any　of　them；　but　'Send　me　home；　or　I　will
walk　home　alone；　night　and　day！'　When　I　got　home；　I　told　my　supposed
grandmother　that；　unless　I　was　sent　away　to　finish　my　education
somewhere　else　before　that　girl　came　back；　or　before　any　one　of　them
came　back；　I　would　burn　my　sight　away　by　throwing　myself　into　the　fire；
rather　than　I　would　endure　to　look　at　their　plotting　faces。

I　went　among　young　women　next；　and　I　found　them　no　better。　Fair
words　and　fair　pretences；　but　I　perated　below　those　assertions　of
themselves　and　depreciations　of　me；　and　they　were　no　better。　Before
I　left　them；　I　learned　that　I　had　no　grandmother　and　no　recognised
relation。　I　carried　the　light　of　that　information　both　into　my　past
and　into　my　future。　It　showed　me　many　new　occasions　on　which　people
triumphed　over　me；　when　they　made　a　pretence　of　treating　me　with
consideration；　or　doing　me　a　service。

A　man　of　business　had　a　small　property　in　trust　for　me。　I　was　to　be
a　governess；　I　became　a　governess；　and　went　into　the　family　of　a　poor
nobleman；　where　there　were　two　daughters……little　children；　but　the
parents　wished　them　to　grow　up；　if　possible；　under　one　instructress。　The
mother　was　young　and　pretty。　From　the　first；　she　made　a　show　of　behaving
to　me　with　great　delicacy。　I　kept　my　resentment　to　myself；　but　I　knew
very　well　that　it　was　her　way　of　petting　the　knowledge　that　she　was　my
Mistress；　and　might　have　behaved　differently　to　her　servant　if　it　had
been　her　fancy。


I　say　I　did　not　resent　it；　nor　did　I；　but　I　showed　her；　by　not
gratifying　her；　that　I　understood　her。　When　she　pressed　me　to　take　wine；
I　took　water。　If　there　happened　to　be　anything　choice　at　table；　she
always　sent　it　to　me：　but　I　always　declined　it；　and　ate　of　the　rejected
dishes。　These　disappointments　of　her　patronage　were　a　sharp　retort；　and
made　me　feel　independent。

I　liked　the　children。　They　were　timid；　but　on　the　whole　disposed　to
attach　themselves　to　me。　There　was　a　nurse；　however；　in　the　house；　a
rosy…faced　woman　always　making　an　obtrusive　pretence　of　being　gay　and
good…humoured；　who　had　nursed　them　both；　and　who　had　secured　their
affections　before　I　saw　them。　I　could　almost　have　settled　down　to　my
fate　but　for　this　woman。　Her　artful　devices　for　keeping　herself　before
the　children　in　constant　petition　with　me；　might　have　blinded　many
in　my　place；　but　I　saw　through　them　from　the　first。　On　the　pretext　of
arranging　my　rooms　and　waiting　on　me　and　taking　care　of　my　wardrobe　（all
of　which　she　did　busily）；　she　was　never　absent。　The　most　crafty　of　her
many　subtleties　was　her　feint　of　seeking　to　make　the　children　fonder　of
me。　She　would　lead　them　to　me　and　coax　them　to　me。　'e　to　good　Miss
Wade；　e　to　dear　Miss　Wade；　e　to　pretty　Miss　Wade。　She　loves　you
very　much。　Miss　Wade　is　a　clever　lady；　who　has　read　heaps　of　books；　and
can　tell　you　far　better　and　more　interesting　stories　than　I　know。　e
and　hear　Miss　Wade！'　How　could　I　engage　their　attentions；　when　my　heart
was　burning　against　these　ignorant　designs？　How　could　I　wonder；　when　I
saw　their　innocent　faces　shrinking　away；　and　their　arms　twining　round
her　neck；　instead　of　mine？　Then　she　would　look　up　at　me；　shaking　their
curls　from　her　face；　and　say；　'They'll　e　round　soon；　Miss　Wade；
they're　very　simple　and　loving；　ma'am；　don't　be　at　all　cast　down　about
it；　ma'am'……exulting　over　me！

There　was　another　thing　the　woman　did。　At　times；　when　she　saw　that　she
had　safely　plunged　me　into　a　black　despondent　brooding　by　these　means；
she　would　call　the　attention　of　the　children　to　it；　and　would　show　them
the　difference　between　herself　and　me。　'Hush！　Poor　Miss　Wade　is　not
well。　Don't　make　a　noise；　my　dears；　her　head　aches。　e　and　fort
her。　e　and　ask　her　if　she　is　better；　e　and　ask　her　to　lie　down。　I
hope　you　have　nothing　on　your　mind；　ma'am。　Don't　take　on；　ma'am；　and　be
sorry！'

It　became　intolerable。　Her　ladyship；　my　Mistress；　ing　in　one　day　when
I　was　alone；　and　at　the　height　of　feeling　that　I　could　support　it　no
longer；　I　told　her　I　must　go。　I　c