the notebook-恋恋笔记本(英文版)-第8章
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to the states； his lawyers gave me a cheque big enough to buy this place and fix it up。”
She laughed under her breath。 “You always told me you’d find a way to do it。”
They both sat quietly for a moment； thinking back again。 Allie took another sip of tea。
“Do you remember sneaking over here the night you first told me about this place？”
He nodded； and she went on： “I got Home a little late that evening； and my parents were furious when I finally came in。 I can still picture my daddy standing in the living room smoking a cigarette； my mother on the sofa staring straight ahead。 I swear； they looked as if a family member had died。 That was the first time my parents knew I was serious about you； and my mother had a long talk with me later that night。 She said to me； ‘I’m sure you think that I don’t understand what you’re going through； but I do。 It’s just that sometimes our future is dictated by what we are； as opposed to what we want。’ I remember being really hurt when she said that。”
“You told me about it the next day。 It hurt my feelings； too。 I liked your parents and I had no idea they didn’t like me。”
“It wasn’t that they didn’t like you。 They didn’t think you deserved me。”
“There’s not much difference。”
“I know that I always did。 Maybe that’s why my mother and I always seem to have a distance between us when we talk。”
“How do you feel about it now？”
“The same as I did back then。 That it’s wrong； that it isn’t fair。 It was a terrible thing for a girl to learn； that status is more important than feelings。”
Noah said nothing。
“I’ve thought about you ever since that summer；” she said。
“You have？”
“Why wouldn’t you think so？” She seemed genuinely surprised。
“You never answered my letters。”
“You wrote？”
“Dozens of letters。 I wrote to you for two years without receiving a single reply。”
She slowly shook her head before lowering her eyes。 “I didn’t know。。 。” she said finally； quietly； and he knew it must have been her mother checking the mail； removing the letters without her knowledge。 It was what he had always suspected； and he watched as Allie came to the same realization。
“It was wrong of her to do that； Noah； and I’m sorry she did。 But try to understand。 Once I left； she probably thought it would be easier for me to just let it go。 She never understood how much you meant to me； and； to be honest。 I don’t even know if she ever loved my father the way I loved you。 In her mind； she was just trying to protect my feelings； and she probably thought the best way to do that was to hide the letters you sent。”
“That wasn’t her decision to make；” he said quietly。
“I know。”
“Would it have made a difference even if you’d got them？”
“Of course。 I always wondered what you were up to。”
“No； I mean with us。 Do you think we would have made it’？”
It took a moment for her to answer。 “I don’t know； Noah。 I really don’t； and you don’t either。 We’re not the same people we were then。 We’ve changed。 Both of us。”
She paused。 He didn’t respond； and in the silence she looked towards the creek。 She went on。 “But yes； Noah； I think we would have。 At least； I’d like to think we would have。”
He nodded； looked down； then turned away。 “What’s Lon like？”
She hesitated； not expecting the question。 Bringing up Lon’s name brought slight feelings of guilt to the surface； and for a moment she didn’t know how to answer。 She reached for her cup； took another sip of tea； then spoke quietly。
“Lon’s handsome； charming and successful。 He’s kind to me； he makes me laugh； and I know he loves me in his own way。” She collected her thoughts。 “But there’s always going to be something missing in our relationship。”
She surprised herself with her answer but knew it was true noheless。 And she also knew by looking at him that Noah had suspected the answer in advance when he asked； “Why？”
She shrugged and her voice was barely above a whisper。 “I guess I still look for the kind of love we had that summer。”
Noah thought about what she had said； thought about the relationships he’d had since he’d last seen her。
“How about you’？” she asked。 “Did you ever think about us？”
“All the time。 I still do。”
“Are you seeing anyone’？”
“No；” he answered； shaking his head。 He finished his beer。 “I’m going to go and start the water。 Can I get you anything’？”
She shook her head； and Noah went to the kitchen and put the crabs in the steamer and the bread in the oven。 He found some flour and cornflour for the vegetables； coated them； and put some fat into the frying pan。 After turning the heat on low； he set a timer and pulled another beer from the icebox before heading back to the porch。 And while he was doing those things； he thought about Allie and the love that was missing from both their lives。
Allie； too； was thinking。 About Noah； about herself； about a lot of things。 For a moment she wished that she weren’t engaged； but then quickly cursed herself。 It wasn’t Noah she loved； she loved what they once had been。 Besides； it was normal to feel this way。 Her first real love； the only man she’d ever been with—how could she expect to forget him？
Yet was it normal for her insides to twitch whenever he came near？ Was it normal to confess things she could never tell anyone else？ Was it normal to e here three weeks before her wedding day？
“No； it’s not；” she finally whispered to herself as she looked to the evening sky； “there’s nothing normal about any of this。”
Noah came out at that moment and she smiled at him； glad he’d e back so she didn’t have to think about it any more。
“It’s going to take a few minutes；” he said as he sat down。
“That’s fine。 I’m not that hungry yet。”
He looked at her then； and she saw the softness in his eyes。 “I’m glad you came； Allie；” he said。
“Me too。 I almost didn’t； though。”
“Why did you e？”
I was pelled； she wanted to say； but didn’t。
“Just to see you； to find out what you’ve been up to。 To see how you are。”
He wondered if that was all； but didn’t question further。 Instead he changed the subject。 “By the way。 I’ve been meaning to ask； do you still paint？”
She shook her head。 “Not any more。”
He was stunned。 “Why not？ You have so much talent。”
“It’s a long story。”
“I’ve got all night；” he answered。
“Did you really think I was talented？” she asked quietly。
“C’mon；” he said； reaching out for her hand。 “I want to show you something。”
She got up and followed him through the door to the living room。 He stopped in front of the fireplace and pointed to the painting that hung above the mantelpiece。 She gasped； surprised she hadn’t noticed it earlier； more surprised it was here at all。
“You kept it’？”
“Of course I kept it。 It’s wonderful。”
She gave him a sceptical look； and he explained。 “It makes me feel alive when I look at it。 Sometimes I have to get up and touch it。 It’s just so real—the shapes； the shadows； the colours。 It’s incredible； Allie。 You mean to tell me no one has ever told you that before？”
“My professor did；” she said； “but I guess I didn’t believe him。” He knew there was more。 Allie looked away before continuing “I’ve been drawing and painting since I was a child。 I guess that once I got a little older I began to think I was good at it。 I enjoyed it too。 I remember working on this painting that summer； adding to it every day； changing it as our relationship changed。 I don’t even remember how it started or what I wanted it to be； but somehow it evolved into this。
“I remember being unable to stop painting after I went Home that summer。 I think it was my way of avoiding the pain I was going through。 Anyway。 I ended up majoring in art in college because it was something I had to do； I remember spending hours in the studio all by myself and enjoyed every minute。 I loved the freedom I felt when I created； the way it made me feel to make something beautiful。 Just before I graduated； my professor； who happened to also be the critic for the paper； told me I had a lot of talent。 He told me I should try my luck as an artist。 But I didn’t listen to him。”
She stopped for a moment； gathering her thoughts。
‘My parents didn’t think it was proper for someone like me to paint for a living。 I just stopped after a while。 I haven’t touched a brush in years。” She stared at the painting。 “I’m not sure if I can paint any more。 It’s been a long time。”
“You can still do it。 Allie。 I know you can。 You have a talent that es from inside you； from your heart； not from your fingers。 What you have can’t ever go away。 It’s what other people only dream about。 You’re an artist； Allie。”
The words were spoken with such sincerity that she knew he wasn’t saying it just to be nice。 He truly believed in her ability； and for some reason that meant more to her than she expected。 She turned to face him。 She reached over and touched his hand； hesitantly； gently； amazed that after all these years had somehow known exactly what she’d needed to hear。 When their eyes locked； she once again realized how special he was。
And for just a fleet
