the notebook-恋恋笔记本(英文版)-第19章

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In　times　of　grief　and　sorrow　I　will　hold　you　and　rock　you；　and　take　your　grief　and　make　it　my　own。　When　you　cry；　I　cry；　and　when　you　hurt；　I　hurt。　And　together　we　will　try　to　hold　back　the　floods　of　tears　and　despair　and　make　it　through。

I　pause　for　just　a　moment；　remembering　him。　He　was　four　years　old　at　the　time；　just　a　baby。　I　have　lived　twenty　times　as　long　as　he；　but　if　asked；　I　would　have　traded　my　life　for　his。　It　is　a　terrible　thing　to　outlive　your　child；　a　tragedy　I　wish　upon　no　one。

They　went　on；　this　correspondence　of　life　and　love；　and　I　read　dozens　more；　some　painful；　most　heart…warming。　By　three　o'clock　I　was　tired；　but　I　had　reached　the　bottom　of　the　stack。　There　was　one　letter　remaining；　the　last　one　I　wrote　to　her；　and　by　then　I　knew　I　had　to　keep　going。　I　lifted　the　seal　and　removed　both　pages。　I　put　the　second　page　aside　and　moved　the　first　page　into　better　light　and　began　to　read：

My　dearest　Allie；

The　porch　is　silent　except　for　the　sounds　that　float　from　the　shadows；　and　for　once　I　am　at　a　loss　for　words。　It　is　a　strange　experience　for　me；　for　when　I　think　of　you　and　the　life　we　have　shared；　there　is　much　to　remember。　A　lifetime　of　memories。　But　to　put　it　into　words？　I　am　not　a　poet；　and　yet　a　poem　is　needed　to　fully　express　the　way　I　feel　about　you。

So　my　mind　drifts　and　I　remember　thinking　about　our　life　together　as　I　made　Coffee　this　morning。　Kate　was　there；　and　so　was　Jane；　and　they　both　became　quiet　when　I　walked　into　the　kitchen。　I　saw　they'd　been　crying；　and　without　a　word　I　sat　myself　beside　them　at　the　table　and　held；　their　hands。　And　when　I　looked　at　them；　I　saw　you　from　so　long…ago；　the　day　we　said　goodbye。　They　resemble　you　and　how　you　were　then；　beautiful　and　sensitive　and　wounded　with　the　hurt　that　es　when　something　special　is　taken　away。　And　for　a　reason　I'm　not　sure　I　understand；　I　was　inspired　to　tell　them　a　story。

I　called　Jeff　and　David　into　the　kitchen；　for　they　were　here　as　well；　and　when　the　children　were　ready　I　told　them　about　us　and　how　you　came　back　to　me　so　long　ago。　I　told　them　about　our　walk；　and　the　crab　dinner　in　the　kitchen；　and　they　listened　with　smiles　when　they　heard　about　the　canoe　ride；　and　sitting　in　front　of　the　fire　with　the　storm　raging　outside。　I　told　them　about　your　mother　warning　us　about　Lon　the　next　day—they　seemed　as　surprised　as　we　were—and　yes；　I　even　told　them　what　happened　later　that　day；　after　you　went　back　to　town。

That　part　of　the　story　has　never　left　me；　even　after　all　this　time。　Even　though　you　described　it　to　me　only　once；　I　remember　marvelling　at　the　strength　you　showed　that　day。　I　still　cannot　imagine　what　was　going　through　your　mind　when　you　walked　into　the　lobby　and　saw　Lon；　or　how　it　must　have　felt　to　talk　to　him。　You　told　me　that　the　two　of　you　left　the　inn　and　sat　on　a　bench　by　the　old　Methodist　church；　and　that　he　held　your　hand；　even　as　you　explained　that　you　must　stay。

I　know　you　cared　for　him。　And　his　reaction　proves　to　me　he　cared　for　you　as　well。　Even　as　you　explained　that　you　had　always　loved　me；　and　that　it　wouldn't　be　fair　to　him；　he　did　not　release　your　hand。　I　know　he　was　hurt　and　angry；　and　tried　for　almost　an　hour　to　change　your　mind；　but　when　you　stood　firm　and　said；　〃I　can't　go　back　with　you；　I'm　so　sorry；〃　he　knew　that　your　decision　had　been　made。　You　said　he　simply　nodded　and　the　two　of　you　sat　together　for　a　long　time　without　speaking。　I　have　always　wondered　what　he　was　thinking　as　he　sat　with　you；　but　I'm　sure　it　was　the　same　way　I　felt　only　a　few　hours　before。　And　when　he　finally　walked　you　to　your　car；　you　said　he　told　you　that　I　was　a　lucky　man。　He　behaved　as　a　gentleman　would；　and　I　understood　then　why　your　choice　was　so　hard。

I　remember　that　when　I　finished　the　story；　the　room　was　quiet　until　Kate　finally　stood　to　embrace　me。　〃Oh；　Daddy；〃　she　said　with　tears　in　her　eyes；　and　though　I　expected　to　answer　their　questions；　they　did　not　ask　any。　Instead；　they　gave　me　something　much　more　special。　For　the　next　four　hours；　each　of　them　told　me　how　much　the　two　of　us　had　meant　to　them　growing　up。　One　by　one；　they　told　stories　about　things　I　had　long　since　forgotten。　And　by　the　end　I　was　crying；　because　I　realized　how　well　we　had　done　with　raising　them。　I　was　so　proud　of　them；　and　proud　of　you；　and　happy　about　the　life　we　have　led。　And　nothing　will　ever　take　that　away。　Nothing。　I　only　wish　you　could　have　been　here　to　enjoy　it　with　me。

After　they　left；　I　rocked　in　silence；　thinking　back　on　our　life　together。　You　are　always　here　with　me　when　I　do　so；　at　least　in　my　heart；　and　it　is　impossible　for　me　to　remember　a　time　when　you　were　not　a　part　of　me。　I　do　not　know　who　I　would　have　bee　had　you　never　e　back　to　me　that　day。

I　love　you；　Allie。　I　am　who　I　am　because　of　you。　You　are　every　reason；　every　hope　and　every　dream　I've　ever　had；　and　no　matter　what　happens　to　us　in　the　future；　every　day　we　are　together　is　the　greatest　day　of　my　life。　I　will　always　be　yours。

And；　my　darling；　you　will　always　be　mine。

Noah

I　put　the　pages　aside　and　remember　sitting　with　Allie　on　our　porch　when　she　read　this　letter　for　the　first　time。　It　was　late　afternoon　and　the　last　remnants　of　the　day　were　fading。　The　sky　was　slowly　changing　colour；　and　as　I　watched　the　sun　go　down　I　remember　thinking　about　that　brief；　flickering　moment　when　day　suddenly　turns　into　night。　Dusk；　I　realized；　is　just　an　illusion；　because　the　sun　is　either　above　the　horizon　or　below　it。　And　that　means　that　day　and　night　are　linked　in　a　way　that　few　things　are；　there　cannot　be　one　without　the　other；　yet　they　cannot　exist　at　the　same　time。　How　would　it　feel；　I　remember　wondering；　to　be　always　together；　yet　forever　apart？　I　know　the　answer　now。　I　know　what　it's　like　to　be　day　and　night　now；　always　together；　forever　apart。

THERE　IS　BEAUTY　where　we　sit　this　afternoon；　Allie　and　I。　This　is　the　pinnacle　of　my　life。　The　birds；　the　geese；　float　on　the　cool　water；　which　reflects　bits　and　pieces　of　their　colours　and　makes　them　seem　larger　than　they　really　are。　Allie　too　is　taken　in　by　their　wonder；　and　little　by　little　we　get　to　know　each　other　again。

〃It's　good　to　talk　to　you。　I　find　that　I　miss　it；　even　when　it　hasn't　been　that　long。〃　I　am　sincere　and　she　knows　this；　but　she　is　still　wary。　I　am　a　stranger。

〃Is　this　something　we　do　often？〃　she　asks。　〃Do　we　sit　here　and　watch　the　birds　a　lot？　I　mean；　do　we　know　each　other　well？〃

〃Yes　and　no。　I　think　everyone　has　secrets；　but　we　have　been　acquainted　for　years。〃

She　looks　to　her　hands；　then　mine。　She　thinks　about　this　for　a　moment；　her　face　at　such　an　angle　that　she　looks　young　again。　We　do　not　wear　our　rings。　Again；　there　is　a　reason　for　this。　She　asks：　〃Were　you　ever　married？〃

I　nod。　〃Yes。〃

〃What　was　she　like？〃

I　tell　the　truth。　〃She　was　my　dream。　She　made　me　who　I　am；　and　holding　her　in　my　arms　was　more　natural　to　me　than　my　own　heartbeat。　I　think　about　her　all　the　time。　Even　now；　when　I'm　sitting　here；　I　think　about　her。　There　could　never　have　been　another。〃

She　takes　this　in。　I　don't　know　how　she　feels　about　this。　Finally　she　speaks　softly；　her　voice　angelic；　sensual。　I　wonder　if　she　knows　I　think　these　things。　〃Is　she　dead？〃

〃My　wife　is　alive　in　my　heart。　And　she　always　will　be；〃　I　answer。

〃You　still　love　her；　don't　you？〃

〃Of　course。　But　I　love　many　things。　I　love　to　sit　here　with　you。　I　love　to　watch　the　osprey　swoop　towards　the　creek　and　find　its　dinner。　I　love　to　share　the　beauty　of　this　place　with　someone　I　care　about。〃

She　is　quiet　for　a　moment。　She　looks　away　so　I　can't　see　her　face。　It　has　been　her　habit　for　years。　〃Why　are　you　doing　this？〃　No　fear；　just　curiosity。　This　is　good。　I　know　what　she　means；　but　I　ask　anyway。

〃What？〃

〃Why　are　you　spending　the　day　with　me？〃

I　smile。　〃I'm　here　because　this　is　where　I'm　supposed　to　be。　It's　not　plicated。　Both　you　and　I　are　enjoying　ourselves。　Don't　dismiss　my　time　with　you—it's　not　wasted。　It's　what　I　want。　I　sit　here　and　we　talk　and　I　think　to　myself；　“What　could　be　better　than　what　I　am　doing　now？〃

She　looks　me　in　the　eyes；　and　for　a　moment；　just　a　moment；　her　eyes　twinkle。　A　slight　smile　forms　on　her　lips。　〃I　like　being　with　you；　but　if　getting　me　intrigued　is　what　you're　after　you've　succeeded。　I　admit　I　enjoy　your　pany；　but　I　know　nothing　about　you。　I　don't　expect　you　to　tell　me　your　life　story；　but　why　are　you　so　mysterious？〃

〃I　read　once　that　women　love　mysterious　strangers。〃

〃See；　you　haven't　really　answered　the　question。　You　haven't　answered　most　of　my　questions。　You　didn't　even　tell　me　how　the　story　ended　this　morning。〃

I　shrug。　We　sit　quietly　for　a　while。　Finally　I　ask：　〃Is　it　true　that　women　love　mysterious　strangers？〃

She　thinks　about　this　and　laughs。　Then　she　answers　as　I　would：　〃I　think　some　women　do。〃

〃Do　you？〃

〃Now　don't　go　putting　me　on　the　spot。　I　don't　know　you　well　enough　for　that。〃　She　is　teasing　me　and　I　enjoy　it。

We　sit　and　watch　the　world　around　us。　This　has　taken　us　a　lifetime　to　learn。　It　seems　only　the　old　are　able　to　sit　next　to　one　another　and　not　say　anything　and　still　feel　content。　The　young；　brash　and　impatient；　must　always　break　the　silence。　It　is　a　waste；　for　silence　is　pure。　Silence　is　holy。　It　draws　people　together　because　only　those　who　are　fortable　w